The bwas and whees of Life

Hmm

2010-10-27T15:47:00.001+05:30

If I moved, would you follow? Seriously?

yupdate

2010-07-29T16:49:00.001+05:30

(This post has not been proofread and was typed in outlook, so you know what to do!)

I'm supposed to be studying regulations in the derivatives market right now. But I'm not, as is quite obvious. I am chatting with the hoozband on office IM and just closed a former classmate's blog webpage. I miss blogging – or I miss journaling – my blog was more of a journal when I had started. BTW, all my blog contemporaries are celebrating six years of blogging. Well mine is long gone too, sometime in April, an old post buried in limbo… ;)

Feeling happy for some reason – I think the hoozband just made me laugh by making a joke about me hugging Anshumati. Anshumati (not her real name but what I thought mistakenly was her real name) is a lady I and hoozband's former flatmate and good friend, SN, commute with. What else? I'm going to make this journalistic so don't expect too much!

I got distracted by 'Abby Cooper, Psychic Eye' online and it really had me hooked. After that I went down memory lane thanks to the internet and realized how much things have changed, I have changed… and I'm so glad Alhamdulillah.

After the horrid amounts of hair I've been losing, maybe because I got my hair styled twice, the salt water and stress, I went and got a haircut. I don't know how much good that's going to do, but it felt good to do something. Also I didn't know tying your hair back tightly leads to hairfall, and that you're not supposed to tug at your hair when you brush them (I did that when I had amazing hair in tenth class – why didn't someone tell me then?), that you should not pile up your hair on the top of your head when you shampoo them, it tangles them, that egg is amazing for your hair (applying it) and that dry hair is extremely fragile and must be moisturized intensively.

After the haircut, we went to the beach, the weather was unbelievably good at 2 in the afternoon (yes, in Chennai that's nothing short of a miracle!) and there was much fun had. I convinced myself to have the fish fry and it wasn't that bad! HB went on to have some kairi, we had a plate of alu bajji and then kwality walls icecream… went back howm J We watched Inception (now that's a long and eventful story) and it was amazing.

I'm trying to cook more often but it's usually only alternate days. Today morning, I tried my hands at dosa (using dosa mix) but they didn't turn out that great. I think using a homemade batter plus being more careful while pouring is required. After a long time, HB and I finally got a chance to hear Ammaarah… she won't come to the phone but we heard her nanu teaching her rhymes. HB will always pick up some sentence of hers and reuse it in conversations later and it makes me horribly miss that little imp.

Some of the things he uses are:

"Hammaarre Peemmi hain…" (this was when the two families had gone out for dinner and Ammaarah was mad that I would be leaving her again. According to HB, she wrapped her arms around my legs and said, "Hammaarre Peemmi hain…", yeah I had a lump in my throat that day.)

"Juice hona" (When we were leaving Hyd. Ammaarah categorically stated this and to her luck, there was a carton lying right there)

"Logaan hain" (This was in reference to HB who was making her feel shy and uncomfortable. She was refusing to go somewhere because there were 'logaan' there)

And the latest: "…could not put Humpty Dumpty together again. Yeh could not kya hai?"

She calls Cadbury Shots 'black balls' and chocolate icecream is 'black icecream' and my chacha who lives next door to us and whose house has a black gate is called 'black chacha' and the other chacha who has a white door is called 'white chacha'. :D

Oh and one more incident: I was talking to Ammaarah on the phone and I said, 'Kya karrein Ammaarah aap?'

She said 'Hum juice peerien', so I said, 'Hum ko do na please' and she said 'Lo'

So I made gulping noises and said 'Thank you Ammaarah!' and she said, 'Finish kar diye aap?' and I said 'Haan, finish kar diye' to which she said in a victorious tone, 'Yahan pe glass mein hain! Aap ghalat bole!'

She apparently hates my dad doing any kind of laad with her when she's going to sleep and on one day when my dad was trying to put her to bed, she said 'Aisssa zor se chubatiyoon, khoon nikalna'! My dad apparently didn't even understand but my mom was stunned, to say the least… KIDS!

Sigh. I miss her.

Choices

2010-07-15T11:23:00.001+05:30

Sometimes you wish you didn't have to choose and things were just thrust upon you. So you could pass on the blame. I have this urge to type my dilemma into google. I don't know what to do about my istikhara.

A start

2010-07-06T16:38:00.001+05:30

(Written yesterday, posted today)

I woke up this morning at 5 and finally got to the task I'd been
postponing for so long – setting up the kitchen. We bought the
stainless steel and plastic storage jars almost a week ago but I
hadn't got around to filling them up and stacking them on the shelves
of our lovely kitchen. Seriously, modular kitchens are so awesome. I
wish we had one like this at home. See, before you fill the jars there
are a number of things that need to be done – first you have to empty
out all the trash that was already there in those shelves, then you
have to buy the things you need for your kitchen, wash all the jars
before you use them and then, THEN, when they're all dry you can fill
them up and stack them in. Oh, I forgot a very important step – decide
how you're going to organize them and all your dishes, utensils. Which
reminds me, I haven't labeled the jars yet. Must.

Have you fallen asleep yet?

I wish I could. I'm having the kind of sleep-induced headache that you
only have when you're in office, staring at the computer screen right
after lunch and the AC, is of course, on. There is so much I have to
fill in but I don't have the time. The wedding prep, the wedding, the
Sikkim trip, the moving, the not-leaving, the settling, the shopping,
the new job. Saigh. Someday soon. For now I say hello and boodgye.

Notes to myself

2010-04-22T19:21:00.001+05:30

Yesterday was a good day. Left office at 6, just after the manager sadly asked me if I were leaving the firm soon. Heeh. I am! YesIAM! Went off to do wedding dress shopping. After having seen multiple red dresses, mother said only this particular one fit all my constraints - so we told them to keep it aside and decided to call it a night. However, not far away Simra and Shahzadi stood, displaying their wares. Turns out oonchi dukaan, pheeka pakwan. Zey were terrible, I tell you. Father, who by then was feeling extremely hungry and getting testy, decided to go in search of food and by the time we were done with S & S (which didn't take very long btw), we saw Fawda happily drinking some fruit juice. We decided to wait in the car while the fowda got us SHAWARMAS. Yayy, and they were pretty good too - not too Indianized. Fawda also got mango juice - which was thick and heavenly. While we ate, we decided that the dress we had asked to keep aside was pretty good and I should get it, so we did. Also got one saree and two dresses, one that shall be the rasam dress. Eeh. I decided to hold the sharara against myself to measure the height and was trying to take it from the mother's hands while she was handing it to me - and it wouldn't budge! So I was like, Mummy, I think you're stepping on it, could you please move? And what did I realize then? NOBODY was stepping on it at all - the dress is THAT HEAVY. Ohmigod. Like I was telling the Immu, maybe they make it so heavy so the bride doesn't think of running away. A pretty way of handcuffing her to the stage and making the vidai all the more dififcult. Now all that remains is to boohoo like Blister ;) :D Hee hee hee Blister! :P

As you can see, I have a lot of time on my hands. Nobody gives me too much work these days and neither am I inclined to take on much of it myself. I have slaved enough for this company, I tell you! ;) These days, the hardest thing to do (after the awfully sultry ride to the office) is to shut down those Facebook and blogger tabs and get to work. Really tough man. I'm wondering what I'll do at home for so menny menny days since mother does not approve of facebooking and bloahging. But then, there's Mother who will surely find something for me to do.

To all those who cook Indian food - try this blog: http://www.sailusfood.com/. She's really good - I tried some of her recipes and they came out awesome. Okbye.

OHMYGOD

2010-04-22T14:52:00.001+05:30

Someone please get me to stop reading this: http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/category/black_heelstractor_wheels/the_night_i_met_marlboro_man/ !!

And someone please tell me I can be an argentyne-ey version of the pioneer woman - the great multi-tasker - the -i-rock-at-everything-er even though I'm having trouble helping out the mother even a bit every morning!

OKAY, BACK TO WORK, WOMAN!

Notes to myself

2010-04-07T19:59:00.001+05:30

There is SO much happening in my life right now - and I feel like I'm slowly climbing up that roller coaster and then, and then... hopefully there'll be a WHEEEEEEEEEE insha allah. As of today, (not counting today) there are... 59 days to go! Alhamdulillah and insha allah. Man, can't believe i'm here. Lots of stuff happened the last two weeks - curfew got me back to the grandparents' house, made it feel like a vacation and a gift. Was glad to be with Immu again - also when Aroush and her mommy arrived, the PAX went out again though they were PAAX. Jokes were cracked about the 'uncles' being a PAX of their own. :D Just the thought is hilarious.

Quit the job finally. Last day at work is May 5th. Immu found it hard to believe that I felt the tiniest pang of sadness at leaving. Well, I did! I was also told I 'handled it very badly'. What IT is, I canna tell. X( Anyway, all's well that ends well insha allah.

Went with M&D and finalized the wedding card today... a little expensive, but elegant methought. Yes, ladaas and ladies, the wedding's on the 6th of June, insha allah. Have to start putting together the invites and everything. Everytime I think 'marriage' it makes me shudder a leetle bit. Man, why do we have to grow up? :<

Gtg now, gotta get howm. Sayonaras.

jaded

2010-03-03T12:38:00.001+05:30

And today in the cab (before we dozed off), we wondered what happened to all the drive, by which I mean, of course, all the passion and the competitive spirit. When did we stop being the girls who raced with each other to answer the teacher first, the ones who fought over every quarter of a mark and who exulted in the title 'first in class'. When did it all fizzle out? I know people who still have that urge to win, to race and no, they don't do it to put it in their resume. They do it because they're passionate about winning and enjoy competing! Where did it all go? Apart from a temporary resurfacing during competitive exams, where has that zeal gone? Why are we now stuck in the mediocrity rut? And more importantly, why has it stopped mattering? Why are we now content to run at the same pace?

Plachack

2010-03-02T19:21:00.001+05:30

So I made:

Khubuli (amazing rice)

Kheema

Mutton Khorma

Do pyaaza

They were all edible and while I wouldn't say they were spectacular, there was nothing wrong with them! Yayy :D

Was also listening to self-image psychology by Yassir Fazaga. Man, he is so awesome, masha allah. And totally made up for my bunking the personality-development classes that I was supposed to attend on weekends. Here's the link if anyone's interested.

Had a looong conversation with Appydoo. Twas good.

Rev is quitting. Bossman is terrible person, really. After talking to Appy, I realized that cribbing levels in our team are very high. I think I need to tune them out. Today I kept telling myself to becool, becool. Worked.

Oh and Ammaarah thinks her parents are 'dangerous' for not letting her come to India. :D

And most importantly, ladies and gentlemen, we're now at <100 days insha allah.... from 454 once upon a time!

Whee-hoo!

Miaow

2010-03-01T19:56:00.000+05:30

A lo-hooong weekend of four, yes - FOUR - days has come to an end. Yeah, I was on leave on Friday - or what our office calls 'PTO - Personal Time Off'. Twas good - I'm now cooking and cooked some four dishes over the past four days. And nobody died! :D

I be back.

Some days...

2010-02-24T19:44:00.001+05:30

...are just sad days. Stupid quarrels, someone's marriage is breaking, someone lost a family friend... inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Ya Allah, send peace on us please.

-

2010-02-22T12:34:00.001+05:30

I have recently come to realize that there is a group of people - and some of whom I know well - who do this:

Say the other person is BBW, and say you're trekking, then BBW will come up to you and crib, and I'm not using the word crib lightly, he/she will crib not only on his/her behalf but crib enough to make you think that there's nothing left to look forward to in life. And all this in an environment which is already demoralizing and demotivating. Soon you'll be naive enough to think, God, everyone feels this way, I give up! And next thing you know, WHAM!, BBW's smiling at you benignly from Mount Everest and lending you a helping hand to come see the view. And you? You're just sitting there torn between regretting your lack of carpe-diemness, wondering over the unfairness of it all and then wondering whether you really care about climbing Everest.

Such naivete. Sheesh. Oh and to all my dear friends in this heartwarming rat race - you're welcome.

Not Fair

2010-02-18T16:53:00.001+05:30

Am reminded of a poem sis and I once heard in a cartoon:

What is this notfair?

Is it round, is it square?

Updat

2010-02-17T11:36:00.001+05:30

You know the story actually developed into something interesting last night? But I was dead-tired and in no mood to get obsessed with writing and getting it right.

You know what - I was going to write something nice, but my senior just pinged me and gave me two hours of work. Because I only had ten hours of work. Ugh.

I should still add - some of the clouds have lifted, and things are looking better now. Insha allah they'll stay that way.

I'm off.

Bwakh

2010-02-15T11:53:00.001+05:30

I want to eat out. Something exotic, familiar and delicious at the same time.

It's Monday. Sigh.

I'm behind on calling up my friends. Not that that's new. Hanging around the parents is not giving alone time.

If marriage is supposed to be difficult, I think the process of getting married is far worse.

I have a tummy ache. I'm supposed to be working. Don't feel like it.

I had a story in my head when I woke up for Fajr this morning. Wasn't very promising so I gave it up. But it was nice to know that I can still think up stuff sometimes.

The parents expect their (and mine) treasure to come in today. I wish I were feeling happier.

I've joined 'Personality Development in the Light of the Quran and the Sunnah' classes. Saturday and Sunday. Two hours each. The trainer isn't any good, the attendees are inspiring.

Phoo. I'm hungry. But I'm trying to wait until lunch. I need to lose weight!

Very, very bwa. Pileez God, make things better.

Notes to myself

2010-02-01T13:34:00.001+05:30

A quick recap of the weekend:

Got house cleaned up for parents' arrival (for good! :) :( :) ), bathroom still remains to be cleaned, covered with a thin layer of dust. Help lady refuses after washing the hall upstairs. Switched on the motor, fuse (blew up? gone? what?). Uncle repaired fuse, motor still refuses to work - not a great way to welcome your parents back. Decided to make one last fruitless trip to the passport office - was fruitless indeed. Gave up and gave in, gave passport to uncle who will get an agent to do something about the renewal. Decided to go shopping for niece. Ended up splurging on clothes for niece, the mother, the aunts. Acc. to Immu, 'Dayal's uthake lalee'. It's an anticlimax when you buy gifts for people and they make you feel guilty instead. However, on a sidenote, I have also realized that my love for shopping is manifesting itself in strange ways: Since I feel too guilty after buying stuff for myself, I am now spending on others (but there was a sale too! FORTY PERCENT OFF and everything I picked up was WOW!). Okay, I think maybe like Shopaholic, dresses are calling me to buy them and I can't refuse! Anyway, it was a great shopping trip. Came home, showed off shopping to Immu, but it didn't end up making me feel very great :/ Some things are just weird...

There was a barbecue party in the night, and then the PAX stayed up talking for a while. Then Immu and I spent (wasted, really) some time over Facebook. That girl is an addict.

Had made plans with J for the next day, but for a number of reasons I called up J and cancelled. Thought she would kill me, but we're friends for a reason - she said: I was half-thinking of cancelling myself! Next time, J. The PAX then decided that we didn't know when we'd get a chance to go out together again, so the two married women and me single girl ( :D ) went off to Pizza Hut and had an awzum time. Ultimate temptation cheesy bite pizza is highly recommended. Must say, you also need to be in fun company. More PAX pictures were taken and a lot of fun was had.

Had a good time catching up with people I haven't spoken to in a long time too. And some cryie conversations. Sigh.

And back in office today... Monday's are so depressing. I want to go back to school again :|

Heeh :D

2010-01-29T18:38:00.001+05:30

I got them last week. This is a very bad quality photo. But aren't they beautiful? I don't even know if I can walk in them. I feel like I bought jewellery :D

Ring out the old...

2010-01-03T22:59:00.002+05:30

2009 - In my mostly plain vanilla life, you mostly fit in. There were some new things - the 'turnaround' (that still makes me wince), the new phone (whose many amazing features I love but mostly have no time for), among some others, but mostly it was the year of waiting. Even on the 31st, I wondered how come we weren't still suspended a long way off from 2010, a state that my brain has been in for a long time. 2010 will also bring with itself a fair share of waiting, but it's more bearable now, and more exciting, insha allah.

The 'Management' took some pity on us and decided to give us a holiday on Thursday, giving us a total of four days off. The previous weekend was a long weekend too and with no work to be done, I was quite surprised to find myself fidgeting thanks to all the time I had on my hands. So I went ahead and dug up the crochet kit that I got from Walmart and learned a few stitches. Yeah, I surprised myself too.

These four days seemed to fly by and Monday's almost here. Sigh. It felt like winter break in school. My manager's face seems blurry to my memory and considering that I've been working with another team on a consulting project, regular work seems miles away.

Went out on all three days except today. Grandmom wanted to buy the latest addition to the family some gifts, so went to Ameerpet and then a toy store at Abids. The next day, having spent the whole day finishing off my first David Baldacci (borrowed because I dont like spending money on thrillers, but totally enjoyed it), went with Xobia to Landmark and fell in love - hook, line and sinker. I always end up buying a book whenever I go to Crossword, and the other day I convinced myself that it was okay to buy the membership card and did. (I think I just love adding plastic to my wallet, it makes me feel cool or something). Realized what a big mistake I'd made when I saw the sheer number of books that Landmarks stocks. Just standing around, I saw a book that I'd been planning to buy for sometime and the sequel to the 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants'. I only watched the movie but loved it, so decided to buy the sequel, and am halfway through and completely bowled over by the writing. It's not brilliant, but it's a true girl/woman book. (Calling it chicklit would be a little degrading methinks). I'm still offended that it was stocked in the teen fiction section! Hmmf. Did some fabulous shopping at Shilparamam the next day. Loved showing it off.

Tis time to go to ze bed and sloop. Happy New Year! January 1st was more on the lines of Crappy New Year for me, holding the promise of many rantings at relatives and friends and futile government office trips for the year ahead, but things have been getting better. Immu'll be getting married soon, or at least engaged. And things seem to have turned out for the good, alhamdulillah. As much as I hated the line and its occurences in the movie, I'll have to say: all is well.

The Black and Blue Bravery Award

2009-12-22T17:11:00.001+05:30

Attending a team meeting - Check

Listening to your manager talking about working a minimum of 60 hours a week - Check

Realizing the business plan entails all staff to give up their lives for the company - Check

Being too murderous to care about what your boss is saying - Check

Challenging your boss on a statement - Check

Being asked by your boss to stay back after the meeting - Check

Being reprimanded on your disinterest during meetings - Check

Spending your lunchtime ranting about the meeting - Check

Having a headache - Check

Will I have a Brufen? - No

Sniff

2009-12-17T14:47:00.001+05:30

I see people's blogs being updated ever so often, and I miss the days I used to have the luxury of doing that. Miss you bloggie.

The bwas and whees of the past few weeks

2009-12-14T22:12:00.002+05:30

Hello, har war you?

I'm in office still, call on the ERP just ended. Told teammate 'Yaar, my brain has shut down', and he said, 'Tumhara toh sirf shut down hi hua hai, mera toh crash hogaya hai!' We spent the entire day on research, re-research and sensitivity analyses. Grah. But I must say, it's better than being brainnumb after repetitive, stoopid work.

A laaaaht of stuff happened the past few weeks. Yes, I gave up on the Nablopomo. You must've noticed the 'Inna lillahi...'. Lost two relatives in the span of a week. One was a month old, another was 80, the great-grandmother of the baby who passed away. I heard the mother cry, 'Mummy, mere bachche ko lekar chale gaye' and heard my grandmom cry 'Koi bhai-behen nai rahe'...

At work, things got crazy with me taking up a project that people tried to scare me from taking up and I was scared to take it up too, turned out it wasn't a big deal at all. Then last week, I got pushed into working with another team that I didn't want to because it seemed terribly boring and fretted and sighed about it, and today I hear, I'm not on that project anymore. On the mid-year front, things went pretty smoothly too, except for the part where I was congratulated on my 'turnaround', I didn't know if I was supposed to be excited or offended. Still, it was good to know. Nothing to be too complacent about though, as soon after I pulled an argentyne. I've learned by now to say - c'est la vie. Which reminds me, there was much excitement in between about Zurich and what not, but now I'm not so sure. We shell see how that plays out.

And there was the weekend with the engagement and the birthday. Oh, and the microwave. I surprisegifted the grandparents house the microwave, sneaking in the carton at dawn. And like I just told you about the unpredictability of life, people in the house started freaking out looking at unlabeled, plain brown carton and paranoia came sweeping in through the door, the grandfather shouting at everybody that the box must be taken out of the house, 'Who knows who got it here? Who knows what could be in it? What if the police come and ask us, why it's here?' I was outside then, having the time of my life and I got a frantic call from the cousins who knew about it, screaming 'PLEASE TELL THEM YOU GOT IT OR WE'RE TELLING!' So, I gave them the go-ahead and just when the box was being thrown out of the house, Immu told the grandmom and she finally got the box opened.

This weekend I shopped for self and cousins and sister (well only a dress (yes, Blister)) but they loved it, and I got awesome shoes and clothes and I was on a shopaholicky high, but then started feeling guilty too. No mo shopping for me for sometime now.

That's all for now. I ghoobhai.

Beauty

2009-12-03T23:42:00.002+05:30

I found this off some random blog-surfing from here and thought it was very beautiful and profound.

Rules to live by:

1) Eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're sleepy enuff.

2) Be good to people who have been good to you. Be good to people unless they give you a reason to be mean to them. Be firm, but be kind.

3) Say 'No' as much as you say 'Yes'.

4) When you find something you admire in people, tell them about it. Even if it looks like flattery.

5) When you find something you detest in people, tell them about it. Only if you think it'll help them.

6) Before you say anything, ask yourself, 'is it true? is it kind? is it necessary?' if the answer to all three questions is not yes, then keep it to yourself.

7) Dont make up your mind about people the first time you meet them. Make up your mind only after the tenth time.

8) Keep looking till you find someone who will love you for what you really are. When you find that person, dont let go.

9) It is possible to be successful without being competitive. Its perfectly alright that you're not a competitive person. You will succeed.

10) Spend as much time with yourself as you do with other people.

11) Watch atleast one sunrise/sunset per week.

12) Read those books which give you pleasure. Read those books which will teach you something. Read those books which help you make that leap into the extraordinary.

13) Memorise poetry if you must. Its not a waste of time.

14) Write your thoughts down. It helps.

15) Watch movies and listen to music. Everyday do one thing which is exclusively for yourself.

16) Go for plays and art exhibitions. Especially if you have to do it all by yourself.

17) Make friends without giving a thought to their clothes, their accent, their politics.

18) Learn. Learn. Learn. Without it you will not help anyone.

19) True friends stab you in the front. Let them. Forgive them.

20) Say 'sorry', but only when you're wrong. Not becoz you think it will help things.

21) Do things that will challenge you. Stick to them till you finish them. Seek help if you flounder.

22) Ask for directions when you need them. But its also alright to get lost sometimes.

23) Ask questions even if it makes you look dumb. People like feeling smart, they'll tell you the answer and you'll gain something.

24) Take good care of your pets.

25) Dance. Sing. Even if its terrible to watch and hear. Floss once every week.

PS: Will be back soon.

Today in brief

2009-11-21T01:52:00.002+05:30

Wake up late

Go to work

Availability briefing gets reversed

Senior dumps more work

Work

Senior dumps more work

Work

Work...

:(

2009-11-19T23:07:00.001+05:30

Wake me up when November ends.

sigh

2009-11-18T23:15:00.000+05:30

Midyear reviews, growing up, relationships, nil work-life balance, stomach upsets and allergies... Why is life so complicated?

Sigh

2009-11-17T23:24:00.002+05:30

I felt sick in the morning today but I stayed at home mostly because I had to catch up with work. Sigh. It's been a depressing few days, and there are darker clouds on the horizon. Too many people who're ill. May Allah bless them with good health and comfort.

2009-11-15T23:00:00.000+05:30

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiun

Nashing

2009-11-14T17:59:00.002+05:30

What's the use?
By Ogden Nash

Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?

:D

and this one is just brilliant:

Peekaboo, I almost see you
by Ogden Nash

Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to
lead it,
But there comes a day when your eyes
are all right but your arm isn't long
enough
to hold the telephone book where you can read it,
And your friends get jocular, so you go
to the oculist,
And of all your friends he is the joculist,
So over his facetiousness let us skim,
Only noting that he has been waiting for you ever since
you said Good evening to his grandfather clock under
the impression that it was him,
And you look at his chart and it says SHRDLU QWERTYOP,
and you say Well, why SHRDNTLU QWERTYOP? and he
says one set of glasses won't do.
You need two.
One for reading Erle Stanley Gardner's Perry Mason and
Keats's "Endymion" with,
And the other for walking around without saying Hello
to strange wymion with.
So you spend your time taking off your seeing glasses to put
on your reading glasses, and then remembering that your
reading glasses are upstairs or in the car,
And then you can't find your seeing glasses again because
without them on you can't see where they are.
Enough of such mishaps, they would try the patience of an
ox,
I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining
years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks.

diversifying yourself

2009-11-13T22:11:00.003+05:30

Right after Maverick, things happened at work that left me extremely frustrated. I seethed, screamed silently and then broke down on a phone call. The problem was temporarily solved. And then some days later, I sent Yem a message saying, 'I think I know what the problem is' and I explained, 'I need to find something else to do, I need to leave work at work, and do something else, something I like. I need balance'. And Yem said, 'Yup, you're right. You should.'

In a conversation with Blister yesterday, she said she was done with fiction, didn't see the point of it anymore. That made me think, why was I still so obsessed with fiction? Why do I still go crazy when I walk into a Crossword or an Odyssey? And I thought that I desperately need the entertainment and occasionally, writing that makes me think. Through fiction, I've always lived in a world of other people's worlds. I'm quite self-centered but I like shifting that center sometimes. Let's call it escapism. I need it, I need to find alternate worlds if mine is driving me crazy. Fiction is one of those ways.

Just came across this amazing article, read on:

Recently, a woman working for France Telecom sent an email to her father. Then she walked over to the window on the fourth floor of her office building, opened it, stepped through, and jumped to her death.

The email read: "I have decided to kill myself tonight...I can't take the new reorganization."

If this were an aberration, one depressed woman's inability to handle change, we could dismiss it. But, so far, 24 France Telecom employees have killed themselves since last year. And more than that have tried. One man stabbed himself in the middle of a meeting.

When confronted with this high rate of suicides, management at France Telecom claimed that, because of its size, 24 suicides isn't that surprising. But there is something unusual happening, and not just at France Telecom. According to America's Bureau of Labor Statistics, work-related suicides increased 28% between 2007 and 2008.

It's tempting to blame the companies. A good article in The Economist pointed to a variety of things — the drive for measurement and maximizing productivity, recession driven layoffs, poor management communication — that contribute to a disheartening, depressing work environment. The article concludes that "companies need to do more than pay lip service to the human side of management." I agree. For sure there are things leaders can and must do to handle employees with more care, compassion, and respect.

But the problem is deeper and more complicated than a callous management team that cares about nothing except profits.

The problem is also in us.

It's in how we see and define ourselves, in our identities.

The first question we ask when we meet people is "what do you do?" We have become our work, our professions. Connected 24/7 via blackberry, obsessively checking email and voice mails, we have left no space for other parts of ourselves.

If we spend all our time working, traveling to work, planning to work, thinking about work, or communicating about work, then we will see ourselves as workers and nothing more. As long as work is going well, we can survive that way.

But when we lose our jobs or our jobs are threatened — and whose isn't these days? — then our very existence is put in question. "Establishing your identity through work alone can restrict your sense of self, and make you vulnerable to depression, loss of self-worth, and loss of purpose when the work is threatened," Dr. Paul Rosenfield, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University, told me in a recent conversation.

Who am I if you take away my work? That's a question to which we'd better have a solid answer. Fortunately, once we realize this we can do something about it.

We can diversify.

I don't mean diversifying your money, though that's a good idea too. I mean diversifying yourself. So that when one identity fails, the other ones keep you alive. If you lose your job but you identify passionately as a mother or a father, you'll be fine. If you have a strong religious identity or a view of yourself as an artist, you'll be fine. If you see yourself as an athlete, or even simply as a good, loyal friend, you'll be fine.

According to Dr. Rosenfield this is an issue of mental health, even for the mentally ill. "People with mental illness often feel their identity is reduced to being mentally ill. Part of their recovery involves reclaiming other parts of their identity — being a friend, a volunteer, an artist, a dog lover, a student, a worker. It takes an active and bold effort to broaden and overcome the diminished sense of identity that results from dealing with mental illness, hospitalizations, medications, ones doctors saying 'you need to accept being mentally ill' without also saying 'but I believe you are more than your illness and you still have potential to do so many things in the world.'"

Here's the thing though: it's not enough to see yourself in a certain way, you need to act on it. It won't help if you identify as a father but rarely spend time with your children. Or if religion is a big part of your identity and yet you rarely engage in religious activities.

One obstacle is money. For many people, an obsession with work is really about the concern of having enough money to support themselves or their family. How can we work less and still survive?

Perhaps it's the only way to not only survive but thrive. As I wrote about in an earlier post, stepping away from your work might just be the key to increasing your productivity.

And having multiple identities will help you perform better in each one. Because you learn things as an athlete or a parent or a poet that will make you a better employee or leader or friend. So the more you invest yourself in multiple identities, the less likely you'll lose any one of them.

Of course, if you do lose one, you'll be okay because you've got the others.

If you still believe that doing nothing but work is a necessity to support your lifestyle, then it's worth looking at ways to reduce your lifestyle, so you don't kill yourself trying to maintain it.

Walk away from the email and have dinner with your family. Leave work at a decent hour and play tennis with a friend. Choose rituals that have meaning to you and do them religiously. Most importantly, be consistent — doing the same thing repeatedly over time solidifies your identity.

A good friend of mine lost her job about a year ago and I called at the time to see if I could do anything. My intention was to help her find a new job as soon as possible; I knew money was tight.

I was pleasantly surprised though. She told me she had decided to postpone her job search for a few months. She was pregnant and wanted to focus on that for a while. Once she felt ready, she would look for work. She was too busy creating an identity as a mother to get caught up in her identity as a worker.

Recently I received an email from her telling me she was back at work. "I love the job," she told me. "It's a great balance to motherhood."

Aisa bhi hota hai

2009-11-13T20:19:00.004+05:30

Having woken up late, I decided to catch the office bus today instead of taking an auto. I wasn't sure though if I was late because I had forgotten to wear my watch and did not want to check my cell. Still decided to take my chance. The bus stop is some distance away from home though, so when a shared auto stopped by, I got in specifying where I needed to get down. While we were on our way, I noticed a bus similar to the office bus so I told the autowala to please hurry up and follow that bus. Right then however, the two other people in the auto decided to get down, so I was afraid that the delay would slow me down and I'd miss the bus. The autowala, however, drove pretty fast and just as the bus was beginning to leave, brought the auto to a halt right in front of the bus. I was feeling guilty at stopping the bus in this way as it is, so I just thrust ten rupees in the autowala's hand and got into the bus. I found an empty seat and settled myself into it wondering why the bus still wasn't moving and why there was some conversation going on in the front of the bus. I thought the driver was probably arguing with someone on the road. I peeped into the aisle and realized that the autowala was trying to return the change to me, a 5 rupee coin was passed by passenger to passenger until it reached me. And I smiled.

Alhamdulillah :)

2009-11-12T22:40:00.001+05:30

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

***02. Swam in the actual sea***

***03. Climbed a mountain - chembra :D***

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

***08. Said "I love you" and meant it***

09. Hugged a tree

10. Water-skiied

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

***13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - K had the most beautiful sunrises***

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa/Qutub Minar

***17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - does curry patta count?***

18. Touched an iceberg

***19. Slept under the stars - long, long ago the whole family slept on the terrace. I mostly remember only mosquitoes***

***20. Changed a baby's diaper***

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

***31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can- yes, as the murder victim in a play adaptation of Twelve Angry Men:D at K :D ***

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

***34. Ridden a roller coaster***

35. Hit a sixer that won the game

36. Danced like a fool and didn't care who was looking

***37. Adopted an accent for an entire day - while I've never done it, its one of my favourite activities***

***38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment - often Alhamdulillah***

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Can name all 27 states.

***41. Taken care of someone who was drunk ***

***42. Had amazing friends - still do***

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

***44. Watched whales***

45. Stolen a sign/damaged public property

46. Backpacked in Europe

***47. Taken a road-trip***

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Kashmir.

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Tried to make a buffalo move when it sat down in front of your car

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Played 'Antakshari' in a public place and sung really loudly without caring about the onlookers.

***59. Lounged around in bed all day***

***60. Played gully cricket***

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

***64. Played in the rain***

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

***68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken***

***69. Toured ancient sites - does mahabalipuram count?***

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played a video game for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

***73. Been in a movie - yes, Rahul Pillai's :D ***

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made chapatis from scratch

***78. Won first prize in a costume contest - consolation prize :/ ***

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. White water rafted

82. Been on a television news program as an "expert"

83. Gotten flowers for no reason

***84. Performed on stage - there was Amalgam!***

85. Been to all states in India

86. Recorded your own music

87. Eaten shark and preferred roadside 'bandi' food

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

***94. Spoken more than one language fluently***

95. Performed in the National Day Parade in New Delhi/your city

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Howrah bridge

***102. Sang loudly in the car - with the windows open - and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking - sang in an auto. blister, cousin and self. Favourite song back then was: yeh teri aankhein jhuki jhuki***

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived

***105. Wrote articles for a large publication - yayy mcx***

106. Lost over 10 kgs

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

***110. Broken someone's heart - apparently no is a word I use often. Working on it!***

111. Helped an animal give birth

***112. Won money on a TV game show - well we won a trip to europe on a show that was televised within the company :D ***

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

***118. Ridden a horse - pony actually ***

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

***121. Spent the night at a railway station***

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period

123. Spent the better part of your life outside India

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

***128. Had your picture in the newspaper - twice :)***

***129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about***

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

***133. Eaten fried ice cream - yes***

134. Read 'The Iliad' and 'The Odyssey'

135. Selected one 'important' author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions - we never had any official ones

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

***147. been a dj - yup, at a b hostel party***

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

***150. Saved someone's life - :D I once pulled su away from a car that I thought was going to hit him. Think I was the only person who thought so. ***

I tag Doda, Shub, appi101, _skp, Dreamcatcher and @jeanmarsh. Do it!

cheating type of post #2

2009-11-11T23:51:00.003+05:30

I give up. I had thoughten that i woulddo a tag post but I couldnt find any1 Yet I'm certain that someone had tagged me recently, or a few months ago.

Been having terrible days at work, now my arm is hurting and I took a brufen for my 'housemaid's knee. Yes, I'm getting old. funny how by the end of the day I'm so tired, there's absolutely nothing but work-related nonsense in my head. I'm going to sleep now, please excuse this sad post, though by now, I guess you're used to it. I don't even have the patience to proofread this. If anyone remembers any tags I was supposed to do, please tell me. I shall go back to nursing my hard working knee.

2009-11-11T00:22:00.000+05:30

1:20 PM: There should be a way to have the peace of mind needed to write. If
I go on like this, at the end of this month I'm going to end up hating my
blog. Because I never wanted to write when I didn't feel like it. No, I'm
not giving up, not yet anyway. It should be easy, to give yourself a
makeover. (Not the beauty kind, but the personality kind). And you wake up
being the person you've always wanted to be and people around you, okay my
mom wants me to be. So much of Zen Habits and neither the habits nor zen.
Does anyone remember that lovely sequence in That 70s Show where Hyde
teaches Jackie to be zen? It was awesome! I remembered that yesterday when I
behaved very pettily in response to similar behaviour. How do men find it so
easy to have a thick skin and not worry about 'haww what she said' and
'hawww how she spoke to me' and 'haww <other nonsense>'. Russell Peters'
video on 'Women are thinkers' is so spot on. It was as if some portions of
that video were tailor made for me. I'm often thinking the randomest things,
and one of my weird thinking habits is to wonder where things originated.
For exampul, if someone's telling another person about this great restaurant
they discovered, I wonder who they must have learned about it from, and who
that person must have learned it from and how the first person ever noticed
this place. Somewhere along the chain, I forget and get back to work, but I
often indulge in such silly chains of thinking. Please tell me I'm not the
only one :|

:)

2009-11-09T21:19:00.000+05:30

It looks like the Europe trip might finally, actually, happen! How awesome it will be, insha allah! I’m glad that the time restriction doesn’t hold so much anymore, but the situation is slightly funny, deciding where to go when there are so many more important things yet to be decided. I hope this will be important enough to everyone else to count in their heads as a constraint. Sigh.

I love the fact that I thought about Turkey and so many coinkidinkis happened. I still don’t know if its possible though. As stupid and hindi-filmi as it sounds, I saw videos of Switzerland and was taken by the idea of going there! Then I saw Greece in another movie and that seemed tempting too. And then I was looking at the map and saw the Netherlands and remembered a calendar we used to have that had a picture of amazingly beautiful tulips… Sigh. Tis so beautiful. Why is it so expensive though? :’(

Okay, off to home.

Goobhay

phbbbbbbbbbbbt (for lack of a better word)

2009-11-08T23:14:00.003+05:30

The grandmother is very sad. Somehow, there's some problem with a bunch of cable tv channels and the grandmother's favourite Colors is gone too. The first day, however, she couldn't watch TV because her son and grandsons had taken over the TV to watch a cricket match. So she went into her bedroom (which I share with her because the grandfather has so, so generously vacated it for me to sleep comfortably and sleeps in the drawing room instead) and sat on the bed, picked up her cellphone and dialed her daughter who lives in Jodhpur. The same daughter who first got her hooked to these serials when she had come down for the summer vacation. She calls up her daughter and the conversation goes like this

"Achcha, yahan pe match chalra, jaldi jaldi batao kya hora?"
"...Achcha, haan woh ladka toh waisa hi tha"
"...Achcha, haan main samajh gayi thi woh buddhi aisich karingi bolke. Achcha usko malum hogaya tha?"
"Aur woh aath baje ke serial mein woh ladki ko kya hua?"
"Achcha... aur saade das wale serial mein?" :D

Poor grandmom. She just goes to bed early now.

The post that I had written did get pubished yest, only after I wrote the 'cheating type of post' to make up for it. So das. I spent nearly an hour and a half writing an assignment, rather copying one for the M. I've completely lost the habit of writing with my hand. Thanks to my awesome (the HIMYM effect) typewriting speed, I hardly ever take handwritten notes anymore. So within ten minutes of writing, my hand seemed like it had frozen and hurt terribly! It was nice to write after so long though.

Am I not sounding like the horrible bore at a party? I have the lamest posts! But I shall keep at it, I should be able to do this at least! I'm so used to twitter, I really can't get past 140 characters.

Immu might have met her future hubzand today. We do not have the details yet. I have not seen any girl react to the idea of getting married as this girl does. May God bless her with the best.

see ya o

A cheating type of post

2009-11-08T00:17:00.000+05:30

It got lost, the cheating type of post that I had written. I had a bad day, mostly spent quarreling over something I barely understood myself, but the problem has been solved now inshaallah. Sleeping now. Goose night.

blah

2009-11-08T00:07:00.000+05:30

Today was a terribly depressing day that ended decently well Alhamdulillah. I am so, so grateful to God.

J's baby is still critical, spoke to mama now in canada and discussed ammaarah's antics that are uncannily similar to how her mom, the blister, used to behave when she was little. Such an actress that girl is!

Tomorrow might be immu's big day. Let's hope everything goes well inshaallah.

They're only words but

2009-11-06T13:47:00.009+05:30

Last night, I finished reading 'The Lost Flamingoes of Bombay'. The author's rendition of pain, grief, desolation, death and loneliness, mostly loneliness, is exquisite, the writing is taut, the imagery sears your consciousness, deftly hewed dialogues sting with the sharp, unexpected pain of a papercut and its pace hurtles you along story twists that progressively become more tragic as you go along. The author brings into the story thinly disguised real life incidents that leave you seething in its wake, helpless but hopeful still. And you think again, that in your little bubble of a world, that 'Kya hoga is desh ka' is probably the most thought you will ever give to these incidents, and there are others whose lives change irrevocably, even lost forever. How significant your life is to you and how insignificant to someone else.

This book is now part of my 'heartachingly beautiful' collection, joining 'The Map of the World' and 'The Lovely Bones'. Both books are about death and life, or life after losing someone, both in very different ways. In fact, while the story of 'The Lost Flamingoes of Bombay' revolves around the lives of the upper crust, it hardly feels superficial. Both 'The Map of the World' and 'Little Bones' are, however, about very normal people whose lives change with the death of someone in their family. 'Map of the World' is like Ian McEwan's 'Atonement', death and guilt go hand in hand. In 'The Lovely Bones', Susie's died and gone to heaven and watches how her family copes with her death. There are sentences you wish you could savour like toffee, preserve forever.

I bought 'The Lost Flamingoes of Bombay' at Crossword, and no, it wasn't the cover that bought me, but the blurb on the jacket made it sound exactly like Bas Ek Pal, a movie whose trailer I was obsessed with at K (the movie was good, but not great). I picked up both 'The Map of the World' and 'The Lovely Bones' at a second-hand bazaar, at different times. After I finished reading 'The Lovely Bones', I felt like I was a thief, having paid ten rupees for such beauty.

Tomorrow, if everything is alright with my head, we will talk about happy books.

Lotsa lerve.

Day 5

2009-11-05T19:47:00.000+05:30

So I came home early last night and realized that I was missing Ammy, so I called up the blister and said ‘Fontin yaad aara’ (long story) and then the ammy and I began a long nonsensical conversation. Most of it was her telling me a long story in her own version of English. It sounds a lot like English - the tone, the words, it even has some whathappeneds and yous in between - but it almost entirely gibberish. I think it was a rather long story about a cat and there were many miaows that sounded like the cat who was going through a bad break-up. So of course, when I just happened to ask ‘What happened to the doggie?’, a number of painful bhowbhows were also added to the mix. Too bad I can’t tell what the story was.

Before the story began however, I told her that ‘nanima’ (i.e. her par-nanima) was missing her and she immediately said, ‘Zara do phone unko, hum baat karte’. To which I said, ‘Pehle mere se baat karo na?’ and she said in a very grown-up, slightly exasperated way, (like one might talk to their child), ‘Aap se karte hum baat inshaallah, pehle nanima se baat karte. Phir baad mein aap se call karke baat karte, theek hai?’ And I couldn’t stop laughing. She’s barely three and she sounds like sixty.

I learned about Simpu Singh only the day before yesterday. And now I’m so taken by the videos that all I can think of is ‘What’s the zok?” and ‘Ask the Pankazz’ and ‘Khade ho jao, bhai khade ho jao’. If you don’t know what I’m talking about (and there’s little chance of that happening) google the ‘simpu singh’ on the youtube.

Oh and there’s apparently still some chance of going to Yurap. Apparently, just June is not good enough. The July possibility should also exist. Sigh.

What else? I can’t think of anything else to add. Oh yeah, the grandmother is completely hooked to serials on Colors – Uttaran and Is Desh Mein Na Aana Meri Laado. Is it Laado or Laddo? Laddo, I believe. Why didn’t they extend it to ‘Is Desh Mein Na Aana Meri Laddo, Yahan Sirf Dukh Aur Drama hai. Phir Bhi Agar Aana Chahti Ho Toh Mere Liye Thodi Chai Zaroor Le Aana’. (Okay, forgive me). So every night when I get home, there are a bunch of people enjoying watching this extremely over-dramatic drama on the nyu 46” LCD TV. So over time, I learned that there’s a good girl (the servant’s daughter) and a bad girl (the daughter of the house) who are good friends and who both apparently love the same guy. The night when good girl is to get married to her lau, badgirl slashes her wrists so goodgirl decides to sacrifice herself and badgirl becomes the bride. And of course nobody comes to know because of the ghunghat. Duh! And it took three real days for the groom to discover that the girl he’s married is badgirl and not goodgirl. And then a whole week went by in the real world, but the bride was still in her bridal clothes! And when the groom came to the goodgirl-badgirl’s house, they spent 15 minutes just showing the goodgirl come down the steps. Some of the older characters are so Machiavellian that I really do not want my grandmazzar watching this stuff!

Okay, I’m done. Is there anyone who wants to hear anything specific from me? I’m running out of ideas :< How am I ever going to reach day 30? :|

Day 4

2009-11-04T23:20:00.000+05:30

Did almost no work today thanks to long meetings and happy birthdays.

Brain is so empty that writing any further would be an insult to you, dear reader. Will catch up with you and my former self soon. Hopefully tomorrow. See ya o

Day 3

2009-11-04T10:19:00.000+05:30

Today in brief:

1. Work work work
2. Team lead shouting at teammate. Glad to not be in his place.
3. More work
4. Could not have cookie crunch icecream because the freezer isn't working
4. Call that involved getting more work
(This was supposed to be posted yesterday. I even made another post from my phone but that seems to have disappeared. Sigh. See you soon.)

Day 2

2009-11-02T21:09:00.003+05:30

I'm back! But I would've forgotten if I hadn't noticed the dodo's and shub's comments on the previous post.

The day began well in spite of last night being terrible. I lay awake in my grandmom's room looking at the window, the curtains were drawn to a side and daylight was barely streaming it, thanks to it being winter and 7 AM in the morning. On a usual day, whenever I wake up the room is in almost complete darkness because the curtains are drawn. I made note of this important point and fell asleep again only to feel a blanket go thump on me and when I opened my eyes, the room was in darkness again and my dear grandmom had covered me up with another blanket. So suwweeet.

I thought I would talk about my U.S. trip, I thought I would write about all the other posts that I've been mentally writing and I also intended to change things on my blog, but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I am being bombarded with work and mid-year review deadlines! Noooooooo!

And I just sent a very, very important email to very, very important people without a subject! Gah. Outlook should have a check like Gmail (which actually irritates me :|). From now on I should always send important emails to myself first! Stoopid garal.

Much joy there was this morning. I hope it lasts.

Among other things, a friend loaned me some Britney Spears Fantasy lotion cause my skin looked dry. Now I smell like fruity candy. I must really be losing it, because I just noticed I had spelt fantasy as fantaCy. WHAT?!!

I also just realized that I've missed blogging. Muah muah to you bloggie. You're very old, you know. If you were a person, you would probably be running around pulling girl's ponytails or playing teacher-teacher/house-house (if you were boy or girl respectively). (I've just realized that I don't know much about what 5 year old boys or girls do all day. What do they do?)

Little Aroush smiled at me today. It was so, so precious! I can't wait for her to grow up. It will apparently take her another 2-3 months to grab things from people's hands. I'm sure her mom is tired of people impatiently ranting about such thinguz.

Ammy of course is talking like an 80 year old. Last week, she apparently told my mom, 'Agar ho sake toh maaf kar do mamma'. That just left me speechless.

Okay, I be goes to behome.

Bee you tomorrow!

Day 1

2009-11-01T12:10:00.000+05:30

Assalamualaikum and good morning everybody! :D NaBloPoMo is here and this blogger plans to have something new for you everyday!

Okay, I don't sound like myself. I was woken up by a colleague who wanted to add more work woes to my weekend. I must say though, the past couple of weekends, I voluntarily took work home! Does that sound like me? Sigh. the downsides of being responsible, proactive, fruity - blah!

Last weekend involved two visits to the shiniest mall in the city and it reminded me of malls in the gelf. I liked. The Sudha was also with me and much silly fun was had. The second visit was a mall-seeing visit for the grandmom who complained that so-and-so malls have been open for so long and nobody's taken me! That was good too. Aldo has such undeniably attractive shoes! replete of course, with not-so-attractive prices.

Yesterday we went to the old school road. We weren't very awara because immu's mother was with us, but it was good to have (meethi) pani puri and ganne ka ras (my phone's predictive output had just turned that into ganne ka rascals :D) after so long.

Okay, I should get started on work. also, need to pin on the NaBloPoMo badge and some more changes!

See you tomorrow!

I swear I'll get back to work after this

2009-10-22T13:46:00.002+05:30

I forgot what I wanted to write about :| And now I have a bad, bad headache. Haven't slept much in the last few days. But it's nice not to have daily and almost 8-hourly deadlines. I need to get back to work. I miss my headphones so badly :(

I shall bulletthepoint stuff I wanted to write about (what I can recall now):

1. A long conversation during which I alternated between gritting my teeth and laughing out loud. #happiness

2. Mulling over New York. I should really write about it during nablopomo or I'm going to forget everything.

3. Recent happenings that require that I hold a long conversation with the parents. I know already that nothing's going to come out of it, but it's something I *HAVE* to share. #giddiness

4. Crossing that fine line between colleagueship and friendship and related dilemmas

5. Death and old age. A lot of people recommended 'Love In The Time Of Cholera', and I finally read it. At the end of it, I was left plagued by the difficulties of old age old age than pondering over the definitions of love. I admit that some of the writing is pithy, but seriously, what is so great about the book? Also, did anyone notice that a couple of sentences are repeated verbatim elsewhere in the book? That was so weird!

6. Putting little Aroush to bed. Babies are so gobble-able.I don't think I will ever be able to figure out people not wanting to have kids.

7. Ammy, Ammy, Ammy. I miss you.

8. Luck by chance. It's true, one must always carpe diem.

9. Transitioning. For the better insha allah.

10. Spent almost half of Monday shopping. Didn't buy anything I didn't need. The shopping urge remains unsated.

11. I'm happy. #alhamdulillah

goodnayit

2009-10-20T00:47:00.000+05:30

i don't know how well this is going to work. this is my first bedpost :D I had a good day today alhamdulillah, spoke to door after a long, long time. and pitti too. It was so nice to catch up. All of us seem to be getting wiser and nostalgic too. it's almost entirely a leisure-less life. I was telling p that I was thinking that a lower paying job but one that allowed you that beautiful thing called a weekend should be better in order to really have any sort of a 'life'... The year's gone so fast, soon we'll be in 2010 inshaallah, and what will I have to show for 2009? Not much, really.

Ok, time to switch off the brain and go to sleep. peace.

Snarl

2009-09-29T13:50:00.001+05:30

Thought I'd vent in the middle of the day. A little pissed off. Sure, it's probably rightly deserved, but it's irritating me... How much can you try to change what happened in the past? And if you don't feel motivated enough to take care of your future... I think that's the whole point, not motivated enough. Should do something about that, SOON.

Had an amazing day yesterday though :)

Bwakh

2009-09-13T09:00:00.002+05:30

I'm tired and I have a headache. Ramadhan, work and this stupid contest is a bad combination. I shouldn't say stupid though, we won the last round and got ourselves a Dell netbook each (yes, showing off) but on weekends when all I want to do is rest, it really gets on my nerves. And then the other teammates give me the impression that they live on steroids. Don't they need sleep? I am so not the energizer bunny.

I really don't have the energy or patience to write this out, but I miss my blog. Funny how much time we used to have back in college, so much in fact, that it got nauseating. Recently met a classmate from school in the office cab. (Both of us kept waiting and wondering if the other person was really who we thought she was, until I opened my big mouth and asked. And she said, "Really? You? But you were such a brilliant student, what are you doing here?" I didn't know whether to be offended or pleased.) Her team's also in this contest and we've been commuting together to the village office block. One day we went all nostalgic remembering our 'Moorkhas!' Hindi teacher and other namooney. Sigh, school life was so much more... full of life. It wasn't without its complications of course, the quarrels, the breakups between friends, gang politics, but it was still, living. This week at office passed by so quickly, that I found myself questioning Friday's arrival multiple times over Thursday night. Where does all the time go? Of course I know, I fill my timesheet every Monday, (creatively, as they label all sidey things in office). If there was a lifesheet to fill every week, it would definitely be depressingly blank. (My productivitywhee brain is now getting a trifle hyper with a 'make a lifesheet!' idea). Sigh.

You know who's definitely getting some fun out of her life? Ammy. But like everyone else around her, she's cramming so much more in so little time. She likes talking in gibberish that sounds like English. She apparently told Baba yesterday to 'Baba, aap english mein baat karo'. Is also suna-ing kahanis that go like, 'Ek ghar mein na ek mouse tha. Mouse na doctor ke paas gaya, aur Owwwwww bola. Doctor usko 'tain!' karey (tain is her word for injection). Khatm hogayi kahani!'

Yesterday, I decided to tell her a kahani, very much like hers (equally abrupt and silly too). And when I finshed, she said, 'Aur ek kahani bolo'. So I said the same kahani only substituting Ammaarah and the billi instead of the billi and the mouse. And she gleefully said, 'Aur ek kahani bolo'. And then I decided to get back to my wonderful life and said, 'Ab kal. Roz sirf do kahaniyaan, theek hai?' And she obediently agreed, poor thing.

Oh, and this conversation took place a coupla days ago:

I was talking in a particular tone with the lady and she was imitating me perfectly. So well, that I was awed and said:

Ammaaraaaaah, you're too much, Ammaarah! Toooooo muchhhh hain tum!

And she very sweetly, in a sing-song voice said, 'Jazakallah, Peemmi'

Too shocked to believe that this little mite had not only understood that it was a compliment but had thanked me for it, I said, 'Kya? Kyun Jazakallah?' And her mom said, 'Well, you complimented her, she thanked you!'

I said, 'Ammaaraaah, you're my staar! Tum mere star hain'

and she said, 'Hum star nai, Ammaarah hai'

Ammy, if you were on orkut, I'd add my name to your list of fans. And that IS an honour!

There is something about her voice that gives me an instant happiness tain. It amazes me that she not only understands what we say so well, but is intelligent enough to mimic us exactly, and tease us even though she's so little. Makes me slightly nervous to think how she's going to be when she grows up!

I bought an English translation of the Quran last week, and I think it's the best ninety rupees I've ever spent. There are some verses in the Quran that leave you speechless with their wisdom and beauty. And yest. when KF aunty was over, my heart was brimming over with contentment, thought that's not the word I'm looking for. It was more like quiet joy. I think people like her have a quality that only someone with a genuinely caring heart can have. Other people only try, but in her case you can feel a strong connection and makes you wish you could imbibe the same qualities. Remember reading somewhere, on Muslimmatters I guess, that people who remind the others of their creator will be blessed. I'm sure she must be one of them.

Spoke to N during the week. Her to-be sister-in-law had a baby girl and N was completely overwhelmed by the whole experience. "Such tiny little hands, such tiny feet and to imagine a whole person living inside someone else... it was just so..." and she trailed off. And I smiled to myself and wondered how people fail to see it for the miracle it is. Everything about the new born baby, from the unfused-skull bones to the un-fused vertebrae at the neck, all scream that they're designed so that the baby can be squeezed out without being hurt.

Why aren't there two month vacations at work? Maybe I should find myself a job like that. I wonder why we worry so much about validation. There are so many people I envy who do what they want to and aren't troubled by the Log-kya-kahenge syndrome. I don't want to cut myself off from civilization and run Into the Wild. But just a little more freedom, fewer conversations, fewer timesheets and other mind-numbing 'trackers', some unfettered living, is that too much to ask for? (Reminds me that a certain somebody thinks I am wild. Hee haa. That made me grin so much. Until I began comparing my life with some of my friends and thought, 'Me, wild?!' Naaaaah. But I like to think so, and like it that you think so too! :D)

On that temporary high note, we shall stop rambling. Maybe sleep a little.

24 - Where we ramble on and on

2009-08-14T22:40:00.002+05:30

:) I had a wunnnerful birthday! You know how it's like most times... it's a month before your b'day and you're thinking, just a month away, then just twenty days away, just a week, just two days, wow, it's MY BIRTHDAAYYY! And then your birthday just smacks you in the face and says, "So, what?" You know when you were younger, it was such a big deal, I remember writing in my diary that on my 8th class birthday, I got 9 birthday cards and 10 gifts (or something to that effect), and it always mattered that more and more people call you, and that the number (and value of course) of your gifts should increase, because, come on, you're older! You have more friends!...

But this time, bleah. For one, I was too busy to keep track of my birthday and there was like, nil, excitement. No, not because I wasn't expecting much, okay yeah, I was (but I'll come to that in a little bit) but mostly because I was so busy with my life that it didn't matter. At work I'm busy being oh-miss-proactive-who-doesn't-know-why-she's-doing-this-job-but-wants-to-do-a-good-job-at-it and at home, well, when am I at home, anyway? And there was a certain huge crisis that I blew up in my face, but well, that got taken care of, beautifully. (alhamdulillah). So I was too busy to notice, plus when I even thought about it, I idly realized that I don't 'maintain' my friends (to use Immu's words). The number of 'best friends' or 'friends in the gang' has been dropping consistently ever since college. There are so many friends that I keep thinking I have to call and it just never happens. I think there are three people right now that I would count among my 'closest friends' and when I come to think of it, I hardly spoke to them on my birthday. One of them clean forgot, until I missed her and called her myself (but she didn't pick up, stupid thing). Another I could hardly speak to cause we were both so busy. The funny thing is I don't hold the 'she didn't call me hawww' against anyone anymore. Of course, I bugged some people for presents (such as my parents who only gave me a Rs. 500 note, ha!) but that was all. I think the whole 'ego' thing about birthdays is long gone. She has grown up, after all!

So on the day of my birthday, we had to attend a professional video shoot. Why, you ask? You see, my team is now a finalist in some Apprentice-type contest being conducted company-wide. So, 4 hours of a precious workday were wasted, no, wait, not wasted. We had fun. We're all supposed to be 'misfits' (and really, with my latest costume upgrade, do I even need to spell it out? But let's not get ahead of oneself) so I projected myself as the nerdy, more friends on orkut and facebook than in real life person and pronounced myself as an internet addict (Why did I look sad about it though? I should have been grinning. Felt sad about leaving out twitter and google reader though). We had a good time shooting that video and today when the contest launched, our video did get some real good applause! (only a couple of my 'colleagues' came to cheer me though, the rest are sore losers, man!).

So yeah, I got back from the video shoot, and decided, no more timewasting, let's get back to work - NOW! So I rolled up my sleeves (metaphorically) and then the phone rang. Oh my god, I was surprised at how many calls I got! Considering I'm me, lost in my own sweet world! It was uppu, a call not to be denied. So I called back and we chatted while I sat at my desk. I noticed people beginning to move behind me and heard a 'Chal, iska bday hai, cake kaatne chalte hain', so I thought 'Okay, the usual cake kaating is going to happen' but continued talking on the phone. And then? And then I noticed that the people who sit in front of me had stood up and were staring at me. I had hung up by then, so I turned around and noticed that the rest of my team members had also moved closer and were staring at me. I was flustered, and said, 'Umm, I feel like I'm an animal at the zoo' and they just continued staring at me! So I stood up at my place and then one of them clicked on something and oooooold hindi music started to play. Everyone started laughing and I was like 'Whaaa?' and then the song began, "tum jiyo hazaaro saal saal... happy birthday to you!" and God, how everyone laughed. Cause you see, this was on the office floor, so it's not only our team but all teams nearby (some 80 odd people) who could hear the loud music, and then they made me stand on my chair! (Reminded me of an earlier birthday at Pizza Hut, sigh, it was nice :) ) Man, it was so embarrassing and so much fun at the same time! I thought the forbidden that day - 'I love my team!' (But yeah, that wasn't supposed to last anyway).

I did get some really nice gifts. Two books, one in the mail that I didn't expect at all. Chips, pepsi :D And one awesome mug whose picture I shall post some day. And my two office 'friends' gave me two different mask like thingies. If some message was intended, I'm not getting it. One of them is a ceramic mask, like you should wear at a masqued ball! And an e-card from Ammy :) (whose crazy stories I must post!) Oh and in the blog world, Shub smsed me, so I called her back and Ishywishy emailed me! :)

Then I went home where there was a dawat (graduation dawat for cousins, coincided with my bday) so there was cake to be cut, food to be had, (not to mention all the cleaning up that had to be done post that). And then we fell asleep, blabbering.

It was a beautiful day, alhamdulillah. Sniff, sniff. Lau you all.

Ghood nayits.

Vacation diary - 1

2009-06-28T14:25:00.012+05:30

Had a good trip until we reached JFK. Qatar Airways is amazing, more so for the inflight entertainment. I could choose from so many awesome movies, plus pause/start/stop whenever I wanted to, quite unlike Emirates' inflight stuff. Watched movies after a long time and that too back-to-back! Watched Confessions of A Shopaholic (nice, could've been better) and then Bride Wars. Yes, chickflicks. And accompanied with chocolate icecream. Definitely felt like a vacation :)

Reached JFK and had a really tough time waiting to clear immigration. Ended up in a weird warehouse like room where there were 90 percent people were either Muslim or South American. At least 50 percent of the names called out had 'Mohammad' in them. And the whole process was so inefficient! Was so frustrated by the time we came out (3 hours after we landed) that I told mom, "Let's just go back." Apparently all first time visitors go through this. But I saw only a handful of white faces and too many abayas, hijabs, beards. Really sad.

The first thing I told ze mama when we met was 'I hate your country'. But I hadn't seen New York until then. We left for New Jersey then, a long, long ride it was. But oh-so-scenic! Initially, the roads just seemed like slight variations of Dammam roads, but when we reached the city and then George Washington drive, oh-my-god. It was amazing, the New York skyline on one end, and cliff-faces on the other, and of course, the Hudson. So beautiful. Was completely overawed. I really didn't expect New York, almost a world capital, to be so green and so at one with nature. I'm already dying to start walking the streets. The 'awara' in me (as mom would put it) is dying to be left alone, to walk and to discover. I don't know how much of that will happen though.

(Some random pictures - a rainbow, sad pictures of the Hudson cause a railing was blocking the view, and the uncle's house. Better pictures next time insha allah)

Notes to myself

2009-05-30T17:15:00.001+05:30

I've finished and put away my copy of Curfewed Night. And my mind is clouded with the number of questions it provoked. Alhamdulillah, there has been little pain or grief in my life. The kind of pain when something or someone is irrevocably lost. The closest I came to it was about a year ago and even though it was-to a large extent- vicarious, it was... Too difficult to handle. Too difficult to think about, even.

Basharat Peer writes about how his grandmother once said, 'when the blood of an innocent man is spilled, the sky turns red' and talks about how at least one innocent man has died in Kashmir since 1990. I cannot imagine what that must be like. He talks about militants, soldiers, counter-insurgents and the absurdity of so many lives being lost in vain.

PB refused to read it saying he knew enough stories of army--men who were stationed in Kashmir and their shocking tales about those across the border. I wonder why we forget our common humanity and succumb instead to borders, castes and creed. What remains is either apathy or greed, and in the worst case, both - a most destructive combination.

We need more books like these.

The Quiet World

2009-05-28T20:19:00.001+05:30

The Quiet World

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long
distance lover and proudly say
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

-- Jeffrey McDaniel

SNARL

2009-05-26T19:50:00.001+05:30

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I want to go home. Have been wanting to since the past two hours. Have not got any work done. I want to GO HOME. I WANT TO SHOP FIRST. BUT MY MANAGER WILL NOT STOP YAKKING ON THE PHONE IN HIS HORRIBLY FAKE PUT-ON AMERICAN ACCENT!

REVIEW MY REPORT ALREADY!

Pichle saat dinon mein maine khoya...

2009-05-24T14:11:00.005+05:30

This is the second weekend that actually seems like a real weekend. With the year-end review coming up, and with the new work-me (one who's trying to inculcate some of that much-lauded quality called proactiveness (and suffering because of it)), the last few weeks have been quite stressful. Not that the weeks before that weren't. The 'busy season' runs all year round! Well, the good thing is that there isn't much client work right now, so the deadlines are a little more flexible and my brain isn't stuffed with a zillion to-dos. I've learned the hard way that I can very easily forget something that I was told to do a minute before, so I'm writing everything down. While that does seem to take some of the stress away, looking at that loo-hooong list can be quite stressful in itself. Well, we live and we learn. At any rate, we live. (Where are these lines from? Googled - some quote).

Last week was even more frustrating cause I kept losing things. I did find some things, alhamdulillah. I think I badly needed that lesson. Sometimes you're so caught up in your own world that you completely forget to count your blessings. I kept losing things - first it was small things that I just overlooked, and then it got bigger and bigger until I was completely distraught. I repeated to myself, the prayer for lost things and reminded myself of the many things that I was dependent on Allah for. And the point was driven home when I read Premchand's words to the effect - 'And we make such plans when we don't even know if we'll draw in the next breath'.

A horrible skin infection taught me some other things too. Most important lesson? TAKE ANTIHISTAMINES! I don't know why I avoided them for so long. I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping a sounder sleep now that I'm taking them. Oh and you'll realize that the face you've scoffed at in the mirror is now much more appealing to you cause that nasty boil isn't there anymore!

What else? Eight of us (cousins, aunt and uncle) played Life yesterday and I was pretty much the laggard in 'life'. I was the last person to finish, having gone over the same stretch four times thanks to a stupid yellow space called 'Go back 15 spaces'. I was a journalist btw, with twin boys and a salary of $24,000 per year. Sounds like a nice life, no? In the end, when the money was counted, aunt who was a doctor with four boys ended up last though and I ended up second last. Much like the running races I used to take part in school.

Vacation plans seem to be shelved currently. So das.

Oh, last weekend we splurged at Odyssey buying all the kids summer timepass stuff (that's where the Life game came from). Was very disappointed that Odyssey didn't have classic bestsellers like Catcher in the Rye or Love in the Time of Cholera. Three kids still await their turn. Last weekend I also had an extremely unforgettable conversation with N. Gawd, my friends!

It's time to go home now. I have broasted chicken to make.

Fare ye well.

(Kabhi khud pe hansa main, kabhi khud pe roya! Ugh! I hate Farhan Akhtar's non-singing voice. Sat did a good imitation. Also the hilarious Black 'hwaatah'. :D)

Hee hee

2009-05-11T00:39:00.000+05:30

Hellooooo :D

Notes to myself

2009-05-01T15:31:00.001+05:30

It's another one of those days. Long, interminable. How long am I going to feel like this? Yes, probably until I finish all my scorecards. And when will I do that? Now that's a question without an answer. You know how they show days passing by in the movies? Clouds rushing away, in the daytime, over and over again? I feel like that. All my days seem the same. Sure, there are days when the bwas outnumber the whees or the other way round, but mostly, they're just empty days. Empty, I wish, would translate into having nothing to do. I do, 'do stuff' but it seems like nothing in the end.

Yesterday seemed like one of the 'gooder' days. There's a new project, at least worth talking about. Yes, there's a lot of statistics involved and that scares me, but still, it's new. Then the parents alaafed the girl to go buy herself a new cell. Which was worth wheeing about for at least a few hours. And I did. Opened up lots of tabs with mobile phone reviews only to hastily minimize them when someone scary showed up. Last week could have been called 'feedback' week. Ugh. I wonder why I'm not allergic to that word yet. Oh and a job offer popped in my inbox. But I don't think I'm interested. The only reason why I considered it was because it would be something new. But there's no point in moving onto something else just cause it's new, right? It's funny how I always used to think that the pay would be the least important criterion when it came to finding the 'right' job. And now, it keeps me stuck, the fear, the insecurity. How sad.

Pfft. It's time I get back to my 'model recreation'. If only it was really recreation. My shopping-craving self has been complaining of neglect. Oh which reminds me that I spent quite some time going over Macy's and other American department stores' websites last week. I even went to Google Maps and looked up the road that Macy's was on. (Yes, we can add a few lines to the 'Confessions of A Shopaholic' script). How I heart Google Streetview. Blister was telling me you can clearly see New York uncle's house on the map. I really loves. I kept wishing that I could somehow get a 'Streetview' into Macy's itself, walk in, wander the aisles, and buy something if I liked it! That's how they should make shopping websites :D. Sigh. MUSTGOSHOPPINGSOON. The new, big, shiny mall opens today.

Sniff. I wants out. I wants freedom. I wants job I be at least marginally passionate about. Only wants, nothing does. Stoopid girl.

Now back to the model recreation.

Oh and Ammy said, 'I eat juice'. :D

Addiction

2009-04-19T23:25:00.003+05:30

Blogger says I last blogged on March 22nd. Wow, so close to making it a whole month! But well, my conscience was bugging me and Blister was bugging me more, so, here we go:

1. April 2nd. W.H.O.A.
2. Desperately want to start afresh workwise. Still wondering how to get about doing that.
3. Ammy's growing up into a Hyderabadi buddi says her mom. Couldn't agree more. Somebody should slow down these kids.
4. 5 of us cousins watched '13B' last night, huddled in a corner with the volume on the speakers turned up and the lights off. Turned my back to the laptop and missed a reel life meets real life scary moment and three of the girls screamed. Why do I torture myself with horror movies, anyway? Immu was her irritating, brave tomboy self and did not bat a lid as she watched the movie all the while scoffing at us poor scared mortals.
5. Too many break-ups. Too many relationships not working out. We need more happy stories.
6. First sustained attempt at reading non-fiction, Basharat Peer's 'Curfewed Night'. Haunting.
7. Had an amazing two days attending a Corporate Etiquette class. I still don't have answers to his questions 'What do you really want to do?' and 'What's stopping you?'

In office now. Yayyy! :|

Bwa

2009-03-22T23:09:00.003+05:30

Sometimes you just get tired of having the same conversations over and over again with the same people. Maybe you should put a compulsory break in between so that the next time you talk, you have something new to share, and it's not the same dos and don'ts repeated again, the same dry conversation and a feeling of being irritated and relieved when it's over instead of feeling at peace. Reminds me of how I told mom one day that I couldn't bear to meet a certain colleague on a weekend cause it was bad enough to bear with them during the week, and how I thought to myself after that whether the same thing didn't apply to family members. Hmm. Right now though, Baba's telling me a joke and I'm all ears :D Or eyes.

This time is usually depressing, with the tubelight on and darkness outside. Life's become a sticky rut. The zing is missing.
I realize that I'm still not doing a thing with my life and I still am too deeply ingrained into my routine to do anything about it. Phah.

:| What to do? I've even given up on reading Zen Habits :| I need a push, a shove. Push me off, someone. Deep dive? Come up with a pearl?

Argh. The only thing I'm going to feel good about tonight is that I'm going to sleep earlier than usual. Yes, at least one thing. I hope that it somehow guarantees that this week will be better than the previous ones. GIVE ME THE FREE SEASON, ALREADY!

I'm jaded, grounded. Arrrrrrrrrr.

To the moon and back

2009-03-04T16:25:00.001+05:30

I am sleepy in office again. It's not new anymore. Yesterday night was spent mostly cursing work and office. And of course the fussy, confused, self-sacrificing colleague I've been working with. I need a break like a certain colleague who suddenly decided to take a week off smack in the middle of the busy season (also quit a coupla weeks later). (People refuse to believe that a financial firm could have a busy season. It does, believe me. There are many kinds of financial firms.) I woke up and began to cry. Like a 6 year old who does not want to go to school. There has to be a limit to how much you can drain people. I feel like my brain's running a permanent leak. Immu said yesterday, after I saw her overslept-face, 'Don't you feel jealous that I sleep so much and you don't?' And for a second I couldn't think of anything to say. I've been out of that mode for so long that it feels like I was never there.

Had a nice PAX weekend. Despite work, there are things to be happy about. Shiny, glowy, light-your-face-up-in-the-dark type things. Am I making sense? I'm not trying too hard. I feel like I'm jumping from one end of a see-saw to another. One side where I'm raging, face scrunched up and going 'WHAT!' and another where I can scarcely get the 'Whaaaat' it out of my mouth because my lower jaw's trailing the floor.

I think I'll leave it at that.

And a prayer...

2009-02-22T00:48:00.001+05:30

And when I thought things over, I realized I spent one day in prostration, tears mingling with the threads on the prayer mat, wondering why things had turned out the way they had. And another day was spent gazing skywards, tears mingling with the stars in my eyes and wondering what brought such goodness. Ya Allah, bring us peace.

You do, do you?

2009-02-21T23:51:00.002+05:30

In the past few days, life's taken huge bwa and whee dips. While the whee portion's dominant, the bwaness brings me down once in a while. Reminds me of a play we had in our Hindi Sanchay Ekanki whose main theme was that sometimes you're forced to accept the very things you always thought you would never agree to.

I still need to keep a record though for later, so in no particular order:

- Attended RG and J's wedding today. J looked breathtakingly lovely in a beautiful white gown. The wedding was at my old school's church and I'd last visited it for our baccalaureate. It had seemed so beautiful then, today it seemed in want of tender care. Went with Immu and kept thinking that I should now come up with a theory (self-fulfilling prophecy is more like it) that every cousin I take to a friend's wedding gets married soon after :D. Or will, insha allah. Twas nice, congratulations and congratulations... and then headscarves as usual brought some weird attention.

- Attended another friend's wedding last week. There was RG's hilarious imitation of punjabi accented English and met a coupla people from K I thought I would never meet again. Felt nice somehow.

- How much importance can a bottle of water hold? You never know.

- Old memories mixed with new ones make for a memorable present. Mwahaha.

- Mom's gone back again so I'm back at kpuri. Sharing a room with Immu this time, tis nice.

- Had a rough week at office with frequent headaches and was quite surprised that when I took a day off, I was encouraged to take the next day off too. Nice way to scare people, made sure I came into office right on time the next day!

- Yesterday or rather Friday was some day! Spent a lot of time on the phone, spoke to a lot of people I hadn't talked to in ages. Twas supernice.

- I miss N.

- She's very grateful and hopeful that bwaness will fade away gradually, if not soon. Duas are always welcome.

- I realize this is an extremely disjointed post. Quite in keeping with the day.

Lerve. Lots.

We'll blame it on the lack of sleep, okay?

2009-02-12T15:07:00.001+05:30

I just wrote to a friend (yes, I have friends in office, can you believe that?! And I believe for the first time in my life, I did not actively seek friends, they found me!) saying 'My head is as heavy as an elephant'. Yes, I'm that brain dead. I feel like I'm in massive sleep debt. And this is after leaving on time for the past two days. Of course, I slept at around midnight anyway, but still. Much better than reaching home at midnight, no? And on top of it, we apparently have a 'Women's Initiative' meeting. Like I was telling my mom, I'm very sure that this was a concept started by the men at office to keep their women colleagues' productivity down. Instead of doing something good for us, we only spend more time at useless meetings. And it's always the same thing, there's a discussion on why we have this initiative and then lots of crap. I believe in the last to last session, the name of a book came up, 'Climbing the Corporate Ladder in Stilettos'. I'm sure the lady who wrote it meant it in the whole empowering women way, but seriously, who climbs a ladder in stilettos?! Doesn't the idea itself sound so ludicrous?! Bah.

Yesterday, colleague sent a mail saying 'Stationary keys are missing'. He's in charge of making sure that the stationery cupboard is always well-stocked. Now tell me, how do stationary keys go missing? We could have a study in physics on the phenomenon behind such a missing-ness. Then someone sent a mail saying 'Keys to the stationary cupboard...' Because otherwise, cupboards just move around. You want stationery? Beckon to the cupboard, come ye! and cupboard approaches obediently. Much like 'If Mahomet does not go to the mountain...'. Yes, my sense of humour is _that_ good. Call it the office effect. Drains all your energy and everything.

Snobby girl said, 'Do you always make such 'clownie' noises?' I said, 'Umm, yeah'. I wanted to say, 'Why? Do you have a problem with that?' but I didn't. My tongue is usually running away as it is.

I AM PISSED. No, I'm sleepy. Cranky's the word I guess. Benazir's leaving office. Humph. I wouldve also scot off (what's the past tense of scoot? Scooted?). Grah. I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. :(

Hmmf

2009-02-05T11:12:00.001+05:30

If it's not enough that this cab is coursing its way through narrow gullies, cab driver is playing on repeat 'chal chal e dil... Kar kisi ka intezar' on repeat. She s apparently waiting for god in the disguise of a man to show up on the other side of the lake :| and why should this song hold such a strong appeal, I wonder. Does he fancy being the pardesi who comes into the soona desh and changes her life into a sundar sapnon ka sansaar? Someone should wake up this lady. Reminded of the 'agar tum mil jao, nahana chod denge hum' song. Another really dumb song. I just realized that my phone doesnt seem to have an enter key, so no newlines for ya! Anyway, expect more posts like this from now on, now that I shall be staring at a screen all the minutes I'm awake. Also, to further test the functionality I shell attach a picture and we shall see.

Test post

2009-02-04T17:14:00.001+05:30

Can she?

Alabala

2009-01-17T22:37:00.001+05:30

It's been a strange day... I think sometimes I'm too confused to understand my own reactions. Attended the ijtema today as we had last week, and T apa had come down after a long time. Some people have this amazing quality masha allah, where they speak and the listeners, whatever state they're in (I was extremely drowsy), are all ears or should I say all hearts, because it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that everyone was moved. I wanted to hold her hand and keep her from leaving. I wonder how the Sahaba used to feel when the Prophet (PBUH) used to speak to them. When we were praying, I felt immensely grateful for so many things and then some complicated (feminine?) mind twist happened, but that's resolved now. Thank you.

There was a lot of stuff that happened since I last updated (I mean on the 31st, not that tiny post about missing my blog (which I did, so much)). There was the 31st and a coupla days following that which were dreamy, almost magical.

Then there was the 3rd, when there was an alumni reunion at the old college which was overwhelmingly nostalgic. It felt like I'd been away ten years instead of two. And I kept comparing K and coll, and I think coll's done much better, but the circumstances are different too. Rn and I sat together, in 119, with memories of excruciating SE classes... it almost felt like nothing'd changed. We were back to being silly girls laughing at things nobody else found funny. That group did bad things to my brain! :D

Then Rn had to run off and I didn't want to stay any longer. There wasn't anyone I was looking forward to spending the rest of the day with. (It surprises me how much difference there is between my friends circle in coll and at K). So I decided to call the Sooda, we'd been planning to meet for months but it hadn't happened, so Rn dropped me off at McDs much later than Sooda had anticipated. Sooda stood outside CC wearing shades that made me go, 'Hello, bee'. And to use one of my favourite literary expressions, 'Little did she know...', 'Little did she know that she would end up buying one of those herself and turn into a bee the same day'. So we lunched, then Sooda disappeared to her viva for an hour while I settled into a tiny corner of Crossword and continued a Sophie Kinsella I'd left incomplete, with the lack of sleep the previous night resulting in an (Which is that character in Alice in Wonderland that's always sleeping? I forget) extremely drowsy me. I could hardly keep my eyes open and startled Sooda with my incoherentness into buying me a cold coffee from Brio. Then to keep the self awake, we wandered around, bought the bee shades (which, Sooda, I really like) were stalked and handed a note. (Seriously, what is it suddenly? First the chowthi, then the note and then yesterday. What's explains this paradigm shift? (Yes, let's play Bullshit Bingo))

Then, the then the office the took over. Until March 15th, we're supposed to be 100 percent 'utilized'. Ugh. But I liked what I was working on for the past week. Maybe because there was at least some continuity and consistency in what I was working on. I be gladded. I be having nice call with senior associate in Dallas.

Oh and there was this conversation (in hindi) between (telugu) cabmates sometime in between:

SKA: Arey, kya re Anand, tu bata teri ZINDAGI kaisi hai
Anand:*singing* 'Zindagiiiiiii, kaisi hai paheli yaaro... kabhi yeh hansaaye, kabhi yeh rulaye'
'Tu bata teri zindagi kaisi hai'
SKA: Mera jeevan, kora kagaz...
Anand: Tu shadi kar le na
SKA: Toh kya badalta? Bas ghar jataun, khataun, sojataun
Anand: Arre kar le na
SKA: Tu kunwe mein kood gaya toh mereko bhi dhakal deta kya?
Anand: *laughing* Dekh main ek baat batataun, shadi ke baaad na first year rehta 'chandramukhi',
second year rehta 'suryamukhi'
aur teesra year rehta 'jwalamukhi' *raucous laughter among all cabmates*
... 'yeh teen saal katgaye samjho toh success nai toh fail. Ab woh logon pe depend karta alag alag'

Went to the exhimition with the mother and the tenth class cousin. Boughts the myselfs two bootiful ringz. One is the queenly and one is the rockstarly. I hearts very much. I also learns that the mother thinks that I is the doofus for not bargaining. I agrees.

I be tired and fuzzy-brained cause of too much thinking and overheating brain. But I gets inspired today in more than one ways. So I be happy.

And you know, sometimes you're the mommy and sometimes you're the baby. And sometimes, the sanest pieces of advice comes from the most unexpected people. They may be few, but I'm proud of the friends I have. I hope I'll be there for them the way they've been there for me. And surprisingly, even a 'Don't worry, everything'll be alright insha allah' works well enough. :)

I goes now, I sleeps. I replies to comments another day.

Best wishuz.

Pshaw

2009-01-15T11:14:00.001+05:30

Hi mhiss mhy bhlog.

Goodbye, 2008

2008-12-31T14:49:00.001+05:30

I couldn't leave work without a farewell 2008 post. I wanted to write
a longer one, but I've to get home asap.

I'm glad I tied up some loose ends today. Yesterday's inexplicable
depresson is gone and has been replaced by a fluttery feeling in my
tummy.

Goodbye 2008, you were a year marked by difficult decisions. None
regretted, alhamdulillah. Goodbye 2008, the year of Ammaarah and
HAWGAH.

I look forward to tonight. It seems surreal. Surreal, but nice.

:)

2008-12-17T12:38:00.001+05:30

Things I'm feeling :) about in 5 minutes:

* Pineapple juice
* A feel-good conversation
* Friends, even when I'm not with them
* Teensy-weensy HAWGAHness
* 'Building one-on-one relationships with U.S. colleagues'
* Black shararaness
* Beautiful writing courtesy Ish' latest post

I guess it's just a whee day. :) After ages.

Serenity

2008-12-07T23:05:00.004+05:30

This was one of the most peaceful weekends I've spent in ages (not counting the vacation) or at least it seemed so. Oh, the hecticity of the past week! It was terrible. I'm seriously wondering what kind of a life you have if your brain's completely frozen by the time you get back home. Or maybe it's my timings. Hm.

I was so overjoyed and grateful when I heard that college-best friend is going to have a baybee! Mom and Dad are away at Hajj (please pray that they return safely) so I couldn't tell them and pass on her message that they pray for her. It was night-time for Blister so I couldn't tell her either. But then I remembered telling MImmu about her fears about marriage and how they were completely in vain, so I called up M and told her. Lucky Immu was busy having a fantabulous time at Wonderla. Jealous, jealous.

So yesterday, I first went out with M2 to do some last minute Eid shopping (and maaaaan, the clothes!)and then we had Softy and popcorn (promised to her if she would not use the word 'bezaar' for the whole trip). And in the evening, the going-out craving was back and the kids had been talking about chicken-cheese-burgers the previous night, so five of us set out for Big Byte again (that still left 3 at home and well, I felt a little guilty about that, but I no have a limousine, no?). We walked back home with F1 telling us stories about how they were once at Famous Icecream and they heard a loud THWACK! which turned out to be some girl slapping a guy really hard. Why do boys always have such a collection of stories? No, I should make that my cousins.

Today was fasting day, though only I and mama were fasting. And when all the kids sat down to dinner, I hung about the doorway, finding it difficult to peel my eyes away from what was normal lunch-time food. T'morrow, a lot more of us will be fasting, insha allah.

YMami was telling me embarrassing stories about my childhood, no wait, mine and Blister's. I'm sure there's some conspiracy involved, cause every different set of family friends, uncles and aunts remember different foot-in-mouth stories. Hmph.

Also heard that sis made fantastic Caesar salad after having eaten the same fing at Lina's. I think it proves for the nth time that the first child gets the best genes and the latter ones are left with the oh-you'll-make-dos.

Dayum. My vocabulary's drying up and that's in spite of all the reading I'm doing! I finally finished reading Zadie Smith's 'White Teeth', I love how witty her writing is, very Rushdie-Midnight's-Children-like. She seems to know a lot about Islam and at a lot of places she seemed to be treading really thin ice, but it was a fantastic read overall. The story wasn't too great, but the imagery, the expressions, the humour and the few lines hidden between them all that made you stop and think for a while are enough to make it a great recommended-reading book. It did seem though that she was quite apologetic about those few thought-provoking lines, because just when you're getting really thoughtful and absorbed, there'd be some really absurd twist or situation and you'd forget all the profundity.

Then I read Randa Al-Fattah's 'Does My Head Look Big In This?' which seemed more like an Australian-Muslimized version of 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got A Life', only instead of Opal Mehta going from supernerd to Miss Popular, Amal goes from non-Hijabi to Hijabi at an elite school 'walking in naked was easier than walking in with Hijab'. I didn't like it all that much, for one, HOWGAL was quite funny in places (even if those were plagiarized)and this one had a couple of chuckle-worthy lines at most. Second, there was so much Australian slang that it was going more or less above my head, 'whinge, 'dag', 'pom' etc. There were a couple of things that did make me relate to the book, one being how defensive you can get when you know you stand out from the rest, (let's call it paranoia in my case) and another being how once you start using a conspicuous symbol that represents Islam (oh, the connotations), people will come up and tell you, 'Hey, have you seen this documentary about what they teach at Madrasas?', 'Hey, do you guys think Sania Mirza cannot be called a Muslim anymore?', 'Hey, did you hear about that Fatwa where...?' Most of the time, I'm understanding and patient, and I try to explain as well as I can, but sometimes the whole automatically assumed, Islamic-spokesperson status gets tiring. And we're not going to get started on the, 'Doesn't that pin hurt you?', 'Don't you feel uncomfortable and hot wearing that?', 'Do you like wearing it?' The last question was asked by a senior who warned me beforehand that, 'she likes making people feel uncomfortable' (though she said that in a mostly good-natured way) and I replied saying, 'I'm so used to wearing it that I don't think about it. It's like someone coming up to you and asking, 'Do you like wearing shoes?'' So she seemed to get the point. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not rude when I answer questions like this, it's just that it gets tiring to explain yourself all the time. When I was in Dmm, I was feeling grateful for this feeling that I really was part of the crowd (and also the fact that I could eat at any restaurant! ANY!).

Anyway, getting back to the book, I still find it quite surprising how many of the protagonists in these books, be they American, Australian or even Pakistani are obsessed with make-overs, cosmetics and make-up. It seems such a sin to have gone out with your friends without any lip-gloss, and what, not even lip-balm?! I know people who know me would probably say that I'm on the other extreme when it comes to normal-dressing up (not talking parties), but still, this obsession really makes me wonder if they don't have other things to worry about. (Yes, this is daydreamer, drifter talking).

I'm currently reading, 'Never Let Me Go', which is quite a dark book. For nearly the first quarter of the book, you keep wondering why these people seem abnormal and what these strange terms are, 'carers', 'donors' and why you feel uncomfortable. I was a little irritated with the way the author tries to draw you in though, it's a little like how in Nancy Drews you'd see something like this:
"It was only then that Nancy heard the loud screeching and realized to her horror that the walls on both sides were closing in on her and there was nowhere to run..."
or
"And then Nancy saw that he had pulled out a knife was coming after her..."
or
""George, Bess! Come here!" she screamed but it was too late. The attacker had caught Ned and...""
and then the chapter ends! Those chapter endings used to madden me but who can run from Carolyn Keene's sharp claws?

So this book was a toned down version of the same, and I'm guessing it's supposed to sound like that because the book is supposed to be like a long, (one-sided) conversation the protagonist is having with the reader, so this is how she tries to keep the reader turning pages (made-up):
"And remember, this was a few weeks before the incident with Madame, so when Tommy and I spoke, we didn't realize how things would change in a few days.

So what happened with Madame was that..."
or
"As I walked back to the Cottages, I realized that this was not the first time we went on a trip, the first time was when we went to Norfolk, a trip that changed many things between us.

NEXT CHAPTER

So it was a few weeks after the incident with Madame, that Ruth, Tommy and I decided to go to Norfolk. Now how that came about was..." Get the drift? But yeah, we still drift along.

It's nearly 11 now and a chilly breeze is coming in from the open drawing room door. It was quite cold today, though it was mostly my feet which were freezing, I still had the fan on 4 as usual until Mama came in and said, 'Yeh AC kaun chalaya?'

Tomorrow is office day, but day after is chutti! Then three more days offis, then two days chutti! Yayy! Though I'm sure all the yayyness will disappear once a certain lady gets into office tomorrow. Hmph.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! ;) (Blister loves that yahoo audible).

Bits and pieces

2008-12-05T09:57:00.004+05:30

Grateful for a new day and that I'm early in office. I've been writing so many posts in my head, I think it's one of the reasons why I can't fall asleep early enough. And since I definitely don't have the time I'm going to put in a line or two about each

* Quite pained by a rather narrow minded article on my Reader, I was contemplating adding to what I'd written before while I was praying. Then I got locked in the stairwell (where I pray) and feared that the security head who came to unlock the door would tell me that they wouldn't allow me to pray there anymore what with the new security measures. Not only was he extremely polite, when I told him I was scared to pray on the topmost floor, he only said that the next time, I should block the door with something so that people would know someone was in there. So grateful.

* I woke up today morning remembering Ammy... on the day she was to leave, lying awake in bed calling 'Peemmii, Peemmii' and then came over to the other room where I was sleeping and woke me up. Sigh. I miss you so much, my little sunshine. Yest. I was telling Pitti and mami about 'Chepat' :D We'd gone to Lina's that day, and I asked Blister to pass the ketchup and Ammy went, 'Chepat hona'. Oh, the number of times we made her repeat that :D

* Monumental: "You don't go to the Taj Mahal and ask 'Why isn't there a restaurant here, do you?" :D

* Kpuri's been turned upside down thanks to the upcoming wedding. No place to sit with laptop, no hall basically. I hope it'll be done before the 70 odd people descend on the place.

* And this story that I just have to put in here. We were at the airport, Blister and Ammy were leaving and Blister was having a terrible time running around sorting out excess baggage etc. Mom was helping her out and dad was busy elsewhere. So there I was trying to keep Ammy while staying in sight of all the other luggage. But there's no keeping Ammy in one place, the moment I set her down, she'd walk away, very fast and very purposefully... you'd think she'd been born and brought up at that airport. So I finally had to wrap my arms around her and refuse to let her go anywhere. Poor thing, she cried so much. It was the worst see-off ever. Then sis was finally done, so she moved towards immigration with the stroller (and Ammy strapped in and still screaming) and some two handbags and one trolley. I took the trolley and went in with her while she stood in the immigration line (surprisingly, the airport officials weren't too strict about that, even though I told them I had no ticket they said I could go in and help her). Just after we joined a really long line, I saw Baba gesturing wildly that Blister come out again, so I waited in line with stroller, luggage and all while Blister ran outside. She was getting really late and even fifteen minutes later there was no sign of her. (I learned only later that the airport officials had mixed up her luggage tags).

Poor Ammy was wailing her head off though intermittently she'd get distracted and forget all about her distress. (There were little kids who'd pass by her or a scary looking 'untaal' (uncle)). Soon I moved to the head of the line and with Blister nowhere in sight, I gestured to the person behind me to go ahead and stood slightly away from the line, shushing Ammy (who was now causing many heads to turn with her bawling) and looking desperately for any sign of Blister. It was now another person's line, who was probably Chinky, and who seemed confused whether I'd allow him to go ahead of me or not. So he turned to the guy behind him and said,
'Maybe her husband will come?'

If I wasn't so worried that Blister would miss her flight, I'd have laughed out loud. Mom and dad had a nice laugh when I told them.

Off I is now.

Sigh

2008-12-01T12:21:00.001+05:30

Bad start to the week. Today just proved that I've overstayed my
welcome. I wish I could go home but I can't. I feel like I'm being
kicked out from everywhere. Dog on the street. Which reminds me that I
saw a large rat on the road - completely flattened... and wished I
hadn't looked.

Conversations about the Mumbai happenings:

(while watching Al-Jazeera show a picture of a guy in black tshirt and
jeans, with a gun who looked like the kind of guy you'd see anywhere
on the streets here, at a concert, at a mall...)
Me: But that could be anybody...
Baba: Hmm
Me: Does he look Pakistani?
Baba: Iqbal said they showed the reporters speaking to one of the
terrorists on the phone and he said he was Hyderabadi. And Iqbal said,
'Do they think we're so stupid that we can't differentiate between a
Hyderabadi dialect and a pure Urdu one?'
Baba: Maybe they're Kashmiri...

And then came the news about LeT... I'm still confused about all the
contradictions in the news reports.One eye witness account mentioned
that those at Leopold were blonde and that they downed a few beers
before shooting everyone. (Where were the guns then, though?) I'm
wondering which 'jihadist' and 'martyr' would want to have alcohol
before they did something that was supposed to be their version of
jihad? I also don't get why there was conspicuously decreased security
on that day. Both Sidin Vadukut and Rashmi Bansal visited those hotels
that day and mentioned it in their blogs.

Then I hear two people I know talk about how they're scared of Muslims
(and both normally unbiased people). The two mainstream muslim blogs
that I follow through Google Reader publish posts condemning the
violence and for a second, I pause, wondering if I should share it
with (the almost entirely non-muslim people on my google reader share
list) and wonder, why I should be so defensive and am I not like any
other Indian, so I don't. But then I come across Annie Zaidi's post on
how pointless the violence was, which is exactly how I feel about it.
Seriously, what sense does it make? There is no way killing innocent
people is going to get someone to heaven (if this was, as they say, an
act of jihad). I can't imagine what other motivations there could be.
Highlighting the Kashmir issue? How? How's this going to help? And if
they took hostages, what were their demands? Why weren't there any
negotiations? Did they even WANT something?

And just now I walk up to my manager and he's sporting a black ribbon
on his arm and I stop for a second and wonder again to myself, why
should I feel guilty?! No verse of the Qur'an could be used to justify
this senseless massacre. I watched 'A Wednesday' with sis last week
and we were both laughing and disgusted at the way the police officer
says 'Sir, the terrorists are either from Al-Qaeda or Taliban'. During
the Mumbai firings, we were watching either BBC or Al-Jazeera and the
newsreader upon hearing something similar from the Indian news
channels says 'We hear that the organization behind these blasts was
either the Al-Qaeda or Taliban. We're sorry about how we seem to be
weaving the story as we speak but you must realize that the situation
is still unfolding and we don't have all the information yet'. At
least they had that much sense. Just because Muslims are involved in
an organization doesn't mean what they're doing is for religious
reasons, it could be political, it could be militant, it could be
freedom fighters. I'm increasingly being reminded of Naseeruddin
Shah's words from that movie 'Hum daadi nahin badha sakte, sar pe topi
nahin pehen sakte...'. It's just so...

Well. I'm done talking now. Must get back to work now.

Warning: Crazy post ahead

2008-11-25T02:55:00.001+05:30

Pfft. I just gave this test according to which my personality type is a 'Performer'.

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Am I especially attuned to pleasure and beauty? Maybe my blogself is. But tis true about the work bit. Though the picture that came with the analysis makes me think they're thinking of a barmaid. Humph! I don't know about avoiding confrontation either. And that bit about management positions not being for me - I always knew that! (I am suddenly reminded of a wall hanging that my mom bought long ago 'The opinions expressed by the husband in this house are not necessarily those of the management' :D Hehehe)

I's pissed off dammit. Why? Let's analyze why. (I think this is the kind of thing where I realize once i'm done that there wasn't anything to be pissed at, let's see)

1. The whole gift taking back thing. Twas mine and I forgot I gave it to you! And I'm santimantal bout it, can't I take it back without you making such a big fuss?
2. The whole 'You're slow, slow, slow' thing. So I'm washing dishes, humming to myself and taking my time about it. I have an absentmindednessanddaydreaming disorder. So what?! What's the hurry? The dishes are going to get washed, right? How am I supposed to be in the 'flow' as Mr. Zen Habits puts it when the work I'm doing is extremely mechanical? (Though I guess I should really work on those 'mindfulness' habits Mr. Zen Habits is always talking about. This is what gets me into trouble at work. It's so mind-numbing! How do I invent that 'sense of urgency'?! One quote that I'd really love to put up near my office dex is 'Do what you have to so you can do what you want to' which probably transates to 'Drag yourself through the day so you can buy those pretty shoes'. (Wow, can I sound any more dumb-blonder?) But that wouldn't be very good for the 'imij' now, would it? (Yeah, lots of blog imij lef now :D)
3. And then you get pissed off for no reason. We'll never stop quarreling, you and me. Baba's right with the whole 'aao behen laden, osama bin laden'. Heeh.
4. And then a certain Mr. Garcia gets mad at me and says he'll take his time returning my EPR. Says twas not sent at the right time and all. So three other people did the same thing. Not fair. I explained why. And now I still don't know if I'll get it back on time. X(
5. I'm pissed at the amount of work-related thinking I'm having to do on a holiday. It's a vacation! I'm supposed to be 'unplugging' as per our CEO! Stupid mid-year reviews.

Five reasons. Good enough to be pissed off.

And now one reason why I'm suddenly sad:

The lau of my life, leaves the day after for Obamaland. No, nahin, nix, non, nyet. Not yet. Pweis. I wish I hadn't met you right before you left, you little imp. Twouldve been so much easier to have let you go. I could write pages after pages on you. Sniff.

But as I've reminded myself a few times over in the past two days (thanks to a lot of Al-Jazeera watching! Excellent news channel! Learn something you silly Aaj Taks!), there is a lot I'm thankful for.

So on that sugary note, we end this post. Please thank our loyal reader J for 'post kar gadhi-ing' this blogger. As much as this blogger missed posting on her blog, there was enough to keep her occupied, at least mentally. One day maybe you'll be able to visit my brain and view all drafts. They are many. Until then, enjoy the show! (Ugh. I am NOT a performer X(. Oh, that was point number six :D. Yes yes, I'm done now. Enough crazy writing at midnight.) Take care y'all.

A Muslim's Prayer

2008-11-04T00:12:00.001+05:30

This used to be one of my favourite prayers and I just realized it's quite difficult to find online. So I'm going to put it up here:

Allah, our Lord! Hidden and manifest, Creator Supreme and Fashioner Superb! Thine is the world we know and Thine the worlds we know not. Thy mercy envelops creation and Thy light dispels gloom. Burden us not with what we cannot bear and forgive us when we err.

Let us not squander Thy bounty and lose hope in Thy loving beneficence. Unto Thee we flee and cry in anguish. Hold us close when our feet fail and lead us with the righteous to victory. Why should we grieve and fear when Thou art near and why should we complain against Thy decrees when we know not what Thou hast prepared for us? Ignorant as we are, we know not the the joy that may lie hidden in sorrow and the sorrow that may lurk in joy.

We pray for those who have gone before us and beseech Thy forgiveness for our parents, in whose loving care we grew. Informed with wisdom let us grow in knowledge that comes of Thee. Suffer us not to envy the pleasures that others have and to languish in grief at the loss of what we have. Guard us against pride and lust and make us not vain and hypocritical. Let not passion make us wild and let not power blind us to the transient state of all that life offers.

Blessed is he who has surrendered his all unto Thee and who has won his peace in Thy pleasure. May our tears in constant remembrance of Thee sustain the heart and bring deliverance! Bless us with the fullness of life on earth and when the time comes make us return unto Thee united in the fellowship of Thy loving ones. Lord! Grant us above all, we pray, the vision of Thy countenance that Thou hast promised for those who are Thine.

Ammyyyyyy

2008-11-03T23:03:00.003+05:30

Just finished voice chatting with ze parents. Ohmygod, I cannot believe how fast this girl is picking up things, masha'allah. She knows the 'naam' of both her parents and many poems, songs, duas... and masha'allah she recites them so well! Mum was saying she just needs to hear something once and she'll pick it up. I'm glad she's only hearing good things :P Must be how little kids pick up obscenities so early :D.

While Mom and I were talking, she continuously went on screaming in the background. When I asked mom what she was saying, mom carefully replied in English, 'She's scolding somebody', so I tried hard to make out what she was saying until Mom finally said, 'She's saying 'Chappal pehenke nahin aana idhar!' and then suddenly the little imp shouts loudly, 'Peemmi, maar khatey! Peemmi, maar khatey!' and mom and I burst out laughing.

Then I got busy explaining the visa problems to mom and this girl, finding that no one was paying any attention to her starts shouting, 'Ta-ta, buhbye! Ta-ta!'and Mom, horrified as well as amused said, 'Aisa nai bolna ma, Peemmi pyari bachchi hai' but madame continued singing 'Ta-ta, buhbye' and tried closing down the laptop until dad scolded her which she then promptly repeated at me. And Baba, sounding a teensy bit mad at Ammy went, 'Tota hai!'

and Ammy went, 'Tota hai!'
so Baba laughed and said, 'Ek bada tota paal liye hum log'
and Ammy went, 'Bada tota paal liye hum log!'

and then we were laughing too hard to say anything else.

Sis was telling me yesterday that madame now poses for photoshoots too. If you take a picture of her at one place, then she'll go stand near another wall and wait for you to shoot, or will sit cross-legged or lean against a wall...

And another story that sis was telling me the other day... since we were kids, we were supposed to let Baba give us a kiss on our foreheads before going to sleep and we did the same, something we still do and that Baba demands of Ammy too. So when sis and Ammy go to sleep in one room, sis sends her to the other room, saying, 'Jao, Mummy, Baba ko pappuz deke aao' and according to sis, Ammy obediently does the same, in a very 'professional, tender manner' apparently. So the other day, while I was chatting with them, sis took her leave saying Ammy was sleepy and was taking her away to put her to bed. And then Ammy stops of her own accord and said to Mom, 'Pappuush?', so Mom went all 'awwwwwww' and let Ammy kiss her forehead and then Ammy said, 'Baba pappuush?' because she was supposed to kiss Baba and he wasn't around. So mom had to explain to her that Baba'd gone to office and would be back only later and she could give him the pappuush then.

Oh and today, she had to go to bed so Mum told her to say fee amanillah and give me pappuush, so that little sweetheart climbed up the chair in front of the laptop and showered many kisses on the laptop screen. Sigh. I love you, Ammy! And I'll see you soon, insha allah!

Eh, what?

2008-10-25T21:39:00.002+05:30

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting here with my laptop. Nothing new, mind you. I am here, on this diwan, nearly every night. Most times, Nanahzt is busy flicking through TV channels for a restless half an hour until he finally gives up and goes to sleep. One day, he fell asleep while watching some Telugu song competition type show and I wondered whether I should wake him up until someone will a really melodious voice did the job for me. It is rather difficult to concentrate right now and the TV is not the only reason, though it is one of the major ones. I need silence to write!

A few minutes ago, I realized that my brain was getting fuzzier by the second and that I needed to vent. Attempts to reach N and Pitti failed. Just earlier in the evening today, I received a call that was apparently from her only listen to a question being repeated over and over again in a language that was either Tamil or Malayalam, I was unable to figure that out because I kept thinking it was the idea behind this gibberish must be her bizarre sense of humour. It was only later when after multiple attempts to reach her..

At this point the author was interrupted by her parents for a chat. At the end of this aforementioned chat, she was in no mood to continue a post that was supposed to be a reminder of a good day. She hopes to complete it at a later date and apologizes for any inconvenience to her esteemed readers.

Thank you

2008-10-16T19:59:00.001+05:30

I've been watching the clock for more than an hour now. It feels good to not have deadlines hanging over my head like they were for the past two weeks. I'm so glad Friday is here! Alhamdulillah. Oh and I have another Alhamdulillah, all my fears about cheese not being halal (to vegetarians: Watch what you eat, not all cheese is vegetarian) have been resolved. M&B apparently called up Al-Huda to ask :). I told mom she could not have given me better news and all she found that hard to believe.

The past few days were so rushed, it was a relief to get out of that air-conditioned hole to pray. I love the place where I pray, even though it's just a normal landing of a normal stairway. It's cleaned quite often and apart from an imprint someone's shoe left on a wall (where he was presumably talking on the phone), there's only a breakable glass shelf in case there's a fire and two fire extinguishers. When I walk in, I take off my sandals and hang my ID card (galle ka patta as A mami calls it) on a protruding screw of the extinguisher. The tiny, exotic looking prayer-mat that I originally used to carry in a shopping bag, I now carry openly in my hand and people often look at it curiously.

There is no air-conditioning and I feel blessed to be sitting in warm sunlight that streams in from the windows. The floor I stand on is cool to the touch, I use the prayer mat only for my forehead and hands. It's a tiny prayermat after all. In the many times that I've been there, only a handful of times has someone walked in. Usually a security guard. Sometimes people walk in to have a private conversation either with someone or on the phone... take a step back when they see me and walk out. I find it funny now to think how I used to spend time worrying about what they thought. I hardly do that anymore.

I remember how shocked and excited I was to hear someone (male) praying and reciting the qur'an so melodiously on the landing below mine. Standing where I do, I cannot see whoever it is, but being a stairwell, the tiniest sound echoes throughout.(And of course, when I sneeze, you'd think it was thundering). The other day, there was someone I've heard once before, reciting the qur'an and then making dua in Arabic whose tone was so humble and heart-rending, I wished I could pray like that. Sometimes, I enter the stairwell and begin praying, not even realizing that there's someone praying on the floor below me until I hear that characteristic knee clicking sound when someone goes into ruku and I smile. It's nice to have company, even if its entirely unacknowledged.

I'm writing this post to thank those people who encouraged me when I was too scared to begin. Thank you, PB, Doda and Sudha. So much.

Notes to myself

2008-10-15T16:08:00.003+05:30

(This was written while I was on my way home last night. Forgive the drunken writing.)

Today was a really long day. The senior wanted to have a meeting with me for the whole of the past week about my ‘low utilization’ but I was busy and it wasn’t happening. Then yesterday, she dragged me to come ‘walking’ with her (to the next block, she wanted company) and said we could have our meeting on the way. I had such a bad headache, I didn’t even want to go, but went nevertheless. Anything to have the meeting and ‘low utilization lectures’ hanging over my head.

I shouldn’t be staring at a computer screen right now, considering it’s the end of a terrible day and I’m on my way home, but I need to get this out of my head. More details will probably go into my new Moleskine (yayy! And thank you PB). Moleskine reminds me, I sat down to write in it the other day but saw M of Mimmu come in and settle on the bed with tears in her eyes, which led to the instant abandonment of Moleskine and what would be the second entry in it. Sigh. Anyway, since yesterday, all her tears should now come to an end insha allah, her wedding’s fixed for 21^st of Dec., insha allah! She told me her mom and Ar mami started bawling as soon as they knew and that M2 had also been crying. I found that quite funny, since three years they’ve been waiting for the date and when it’s finally fixed, they cry! Tchah. Later on in the night, when I was trying hard to fall asleep, I realized that in a few months, if we, i.e. mom and I (now that Blister’ll be gone soon too :’( and Ammy too! :’(() came to K’puri there’d be no M. Then soon there’d be no Immu. It would be so terrible! Of course, M will not be too far away, but then, once you’re married, how much does physical distance matter?

Reminds of smsz Blister kept sending a while ago about how our circles would never intersect the way they used to. A mami was talking to me the other day, wondering why God made women’s lives this way - to be born, brought up and loved in one house and to be suddenly uprooted to another. ‘Betiyon se toh dil lagana hi nahin’, she said, and I felt terrible. ‘Bas dua karo ki sab ke naseeb achche ho’, she said, talking about her daughters (and her son later) with tears in her eyes.

So, yes it was an eventful week. Marriage seems to be the all round flavor. My adoptive parents, RG and J are now engaged! Met them today for, well, chaat. (Lovely it was). Prav., also gave away my sigret. Tchah. So, there’s an indefinite period of uncertainty looming over me. Measures are being taken to combat it. Let’s see how well that works out. Sigh.

I am bingeing on chocolates these days. Whatever little weight I lost in Ramadhan must now have been replaced with double the quantity. Sigh. The 17” widescreen is back! K

In Ammynews, Ammy is wreaking havoc at home in Dmm. Mom actually sounded extremely frustrated a couple of days ago. I can’t wait to see her :D She’s even learned to pronounce my name properly and will shout out my arrival the minute she hears my voice. There is also ‘Machli jal ki rani hai, jeevan uska paani hai, haath lagao marjayegi! Ameen!’ :D

Oh, I forgot to mention 6^th(?) encounter of the third kind on Thursday. It was as enjoyable as it’s always been. I will not waste any more of my precious time over those… I’m not going to bother thinking up horrible words for them.

That’s it for now. I be gone.

Alhamdulillah

2008-10-07T07:43:00.001+05:30

:) I'm back! No, the situation hasn't changed, nothing has, except that I'm back to being me. Nothing that I can put into words, so I'm only going to say I'm grateful.

Hello again, Square One

2008-10-07T06:32:00.004+05:30

The past two days should have some kind of a marker for the rest of my life. I'm feeling silly even as I write this and I wish I could go back to the time when there were three people who read this blog, all strangers.

I wonder why we do this to ourselves... convince ourselves that a higher risk might actually bring a higher return? Why cross the road and leave yourself in the middle of it? Why seek a safety blanket... why settle on it like a contented cat when you sat down gingerly, only to be told that you're too saintly for this filthy rug? Why think that a line like that would be a compliment when it was only a polite way to tell you to leave?

Such unneeded bitterness. What's the use of your own advice when you leave it unheeded? I tell myself that I'm content with my behaviour when I'm not. Why, why should you always lean over until you lose your balance?

I feel like writing down line after line of cliched sentimental crap. That I have my books and my poetry. And I do. Only that I haven't been in this place in the longest time. I know the answer and I'm still probing. That's what we do, stupid creatures of whim. There was great sense in what SYQ said and it applies to this situation so well... And I smiled at myself in the mirror last night. Multiple times in fact. Smile, smile it'll be okay. Smile, you're doing fine, smile. And I thought I was! Oh god, this self-pity is so idiotic.

Learn something, you silly woman. Handle with caution and care.

"...but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not" - 2:216

Sophie's choice

2008-10-06T18:55:00.001+05:30

Just bought the book yesterday and it already seems to be having an impact on my life. The phrase I mean. If I wait for a few more hours, I might not even have a choice. But if things swing the other way, I will have a choice and that choice shall be pure irony. It's mind-boggling to say the least, and I'm terrified.

A Piece of the Puzzle

2008-09-27T01:59:00.002+05:30

Just finished listening to Yasir Qadhi's 'A Piece of the Puzzle'... and found that I was burying myself into the pillow lying on my lap and drenching it with tears. Alhamdulillah, it was so awe-inspiring, it brought such awakening with it and I felt so grateful to Allah for softening my heart, that I wished SYQ's lecture would never end.

I'm going to write down my thoughts here so that I'll remember them and that I will, insha'allah translate them into actions one day... and everyday. These are thoughts that have been gathering over time... whether they were articles in the newspaper that left me feeling angered and helpless or something someone said thoughtlessly and wounded a relationship or just something that was wrong and should never have happened... and every time, I thought to myself that I would do something about it but I postponed it to 'another day' or forgot about it, but insha'allah, something written down might find me more accountable... I will insha'llah accomplish this:

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived... this is to have succeeded" - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I never applied this to the people I eat with/live with/stay with everyday. Today I heard my aunt crib to herself while cleaning her daughter's cupboard, say "How long am I supposed to slave for everyone? When I was young, it was my parents, then it was my brothers and sisters and now my children. Will we never get a moment of rest?" And I thought of the number of times had happened with Mom and I was still thick-skinned enough to not do anything about it. Ya Allah, please change my condition. I was telling people at home about the Hadith I'd read, where the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said "If anyone of the ummah who manages to catch his parents, one of them or both, when they are elderly and they need his help and he is not able to service them properly and get his sins forgiven, then may he perish" and I felt such pangs of regret... Ya Allah, let me do my best and be my best with my relatives and be my never-ever-seen-before-best when I meet my parents again.

On one of those days that the anger and frustration reached its limits, I vowed, Insha'allah, I will at least make one life better... Insha'allah, if I have the consent and the support, I will adopt a chilid and do the best I can, to raise him or her without bias or judgement, as I would my own.

There was another time when I spent a whole night awake, wondering what I could do that would make lives better, in any measure, in any form. And while I did come up with some ideas, I am yet to translate any of them into action. But, insha'allah, I will... baby steps.

And insha'llah, whether I achieve the above or not, I will make the most out of the most important and influential title I will ever hold: Mummy. It's funny how we gloss over the obvious and how you learn some things from people you never expected to. Just the other day, I came across some lines a friend had written long ago, (after being inspired by a mom watching over her kid at the airport) and I quote: "Who says girls are dumb, no way man! They're intelligent RIGHT where the entire civilization wants them to be. They are awesome moms!" So, maybe that's not what the entire civilization wants them to be and maybe not all of them are awesome, but so many tons of hidden potential! Ammy is a little over a year and a half old, and I can already see the difference. I can also see that even being the barely-there-mom takes a lot of patience... being someone who puts her best effort into making her child a better person would require infinite patience and reserves of steel... of the highest tensile strength - mental and physical.

And Sheikh YQ said that most of the trials for the ummah of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would be those related to money... the pursuit of it and its spending. Many would be related to those that the human beings around us test us with... And that blessings are as much a trial as hardship... and to think that anyone would enter Paradise without being tested!... And he talked about the dua that Allah Himself had taught the Prophet (PBUH): "Ya Allah, before I face any fitnah (trial), let me come face to face with you", meaning 'Let me die before you test me with a trial'.

Ya Allah, what strength and nerves of steel it would take for someone to remain steadfast! What people were they, who stood their stands as if their hands clenched coal and embers! Ya Allah, do not try us and make us patient. "Indeed, Allah is with the Sabir-oon".

Notes to myself

2008-09-18T20:08:00.001+05:30

Moving from college life to work life is such a strange transition, no? In college, you talk to who you want to, spend time with whom you want to and get to know people better, only if you want to (unless of course when you pick up gossip about someone's past/present that is jaw-dropping). At work, I've been told that I should get out of my 'shell', a description which is probably true. (But how far can I go away from Google Reader and my beloved blogosphere?) I've hardly bothered to learn more about the people I work with, given their inane jokes and and pathetic office sense of humour. Soon though, you find a couple of people who you come to know better, either because they happen to be sitting beside you and you in utter boredom resort to the self-same pathetic brand of office humour to end that dreariness or because they share your sense of sarcasm and you both enjoy biting each other's heads off. Still, there are people known as bosses and seniors who irritate you with their two-facedness and the only side of theirs, you're willing to see is the one that needs to 'QC' your work and the kind that likes outcasting you. But sometimes, strange things happen, or maybe inside this isolated cube full of cubicles full of isolated people all of a sudden faces an intrusion when reality comes striding in, and in the few minutes you spent at the cafeteria taking immense pleasure in the act of eating, your co-worker, a sometimes-too-cheery senior colleague has been sent to the hospital in an ambulance having had an epileptic fit during a meeting. You come to find your immediate senior, the one with the bad sense of humour, the one you sometimes tweet 'Argh' messages about, in tears, having remembered her daughter's skull fracture a month before and the fits that followed it, and linking it to what happened with cheery colleague, who is a good friend of hers, at least a good office friend. And before you know it, you're feeling troubled and bothered and extremely sorry, more so when you see a male senior colleague whose face is red and eyes, bloodshot. Why do we sometimes behave like we're the only human being in existence?

* * *

A few Saturdays ago, I and cousin M had a good day out, and when we went to Brand Factory, I picked up some earrings for all girl cousins and bought a bracelet for myself. It was a pretty thing, flowers that reminded me of Noor and college notebook scribblings and I got quite attached to it. A few days ago, I looked at my reflection in the mirror to realize that one article of silver was missing (besides my ring and my watch) an was shocked to discover that the bracelet had gone... and that I had no recollection when I had last seen it on my wrist. Later, I wistfully recited, 'Inna lillahi wa inna alayhi raji'un' ('Indeed all things belong to God and to Him is the return'), that all Muslims recite when they lose something, and especially someone, knowing well that it could have fallen off my wrist anywhere of a zillion places. Blister's faith in this ayah has been well proved, she lost a gold ring somewhere between Munnar, Cochin and Calicut and Mom found it some ten days later in Baba's shoe and sis only said, rather calmly, 'I knew I'd find it. I had read Inna lillahi!'. Coming back to the present, cousin Boja and I went home this Saturday, and what does the help pick up and put on the dressing table, yes, the bracelet. And then I remembered I'd visited home, the middle of the last week to hurriedly change into a suit and had probably ended up breaking the little thing right there. So ecstatic I was, I jumped and screamed and was so grateful I'd found it.

* * *

Quick Ammy stories #1:

Ammy sees her mom drinking water right from a bottle and insists that she wants to drink water the same way from a tiny 60ml bottle. One day, she touches the upper rim to the lower lip, instead of the lower and spills water all over herself. Sis, who's watching her says, 'Aur girao ma, aur girao', so our little girl obediently proceeds to empty the entire bottle's contents all over herself.

#2:

Ammy loves shouting and is shouting away in babbledygook, and mom says 'Ahista bolo, Ammy' and Ammy says, 'Ahistaaaa'.

And now I should go or I"ll miss my cab home.
Take care everybody. Replies to comments soon.

Khogayi hai manzil kahin raahon mein...

2008-08-31T02:48:00.003+05:30

New template up! I'd always wanted something sweet and cartoon-y and this one seemed perfect. Changed the font from Times New Roman to Segoe print... love the font right now, but have the feeling that I might find it irritating later on. Of course, the template changes make scant difference to people who're subscribed to the RSS feed. (Google Reader should do something about that, let people choose if they want to see the design features of the blog in their reader... though that would probably make things slower).

I really shouldn't be up right now but my template's been irking me for sometime now. Come to think of it, I've lost count of the number of times I've changed my blog templates. And titles too! It used to be 'Chipsmonster Speak' when it began, then became 'Be My Vaseline' (at a time when this blog's popularity reached its, umm, zenith), then there was a time when I was so taken by JD of Scrubs that I chose to name it 'Anyhoo' (which rather spoke for my life at that point of time) and then came my bwaing and wheeing. Or so I think it was. It's been four years after all.

I've made three really good friends thanks to this blog. One of them doesn't blog anymore but is still in touch. Two of them, Shubza and DC, I've coaxed to join twitter... all the better to spend dreary office hours on.

There are other bloggers that I've followed for the past four years, surinder, Tree-elf, Captain Subtext (who's changed URLs and blog titles more than a coupla times, forget about templates), Inkspill, Sayesha... and newer people I'm following now, besides the people I know in person. Some people like Dooce or The Compulsive Confessor are radically different from me, but I've still enjoyed the ride. (Or maybe it's just voyeurism, who knows?). Then there are all the new and inspiring Muslim bloggers I'm discovering and being enchanted by...

For a while now, I've been living the title of this post., but I'm finding myself, albeit slowly and I know I'm getting somewhere. And it would honestly, never've been possible without this spellbinding being called the blogosphere.

Thank you, dear blogosphere. Muahs.

Gone missing.

2008-08-28T14:34:00.001+05:30

I miss my mom.
I miss home.
I miss not missing.
I'm tired of growing up.
Baba's kurta smell, his arm, a hug that fits, a heartwarming book, an uplifting poem, chocolate, sunlight through the windows, white bedsheets, muffled rainfall, slick roads and speeding, dal-chawal and Dammam air-conditioning... tv in the background, Ammy's smile and her legs resting somewhere on me, Mummy and Ammy, silly girls giggling and blissful solitude. Missing.

I really shouldn't have looked up this poem right now.

Notes to myself

2008-08-25T20:04:00.001+05:30

Mom left for Dmm today. Sister left for sasural. Along with Ammy. Sigh. I already feel like she was just a dream (though the scratches on my laptop tell me otherwise). I'm already feeling depressed so I'm going to write these down before I forget:

She calls me 'Peemmi' (which Emrican cousins found very funny. (Why wouldn't they? Most of their jokes revolve around snot and boogers. :|)
I have a video of her singing 'Tinkle tinkle' where she's behaving exactly like her mom did some twenty years ago
She loves playing with locks and keys calling them 'taut' and 'paubi' (for chaabi) respectively
The other day when we were having dinner, Mom said 'Woh dupatton ko pico karwana hai' and Ammy, inexplicably attracted to words starting with p, began calling pico 'peeto' and kept bugging us with that word until the next day
So chips are 'peich' and 'saunf' is 'pauf' and whenever she wants some 'pauf' she goes, 'Peimmi, pauff honna?' and repeat it forever until you get her some.
If you show her some affection when she's not expecting it, she will immediately play miss-hard-to-get and scold you with a 'Haan!' (Girls...)
The other day, I had my feet extended in front of me, almost touching her so she proceeded to dig her nails into my toes. I faked a low cry when she did that, so she immediately moved forward and gave me a kiss on my knee. And we did that again and again and again until we got tired of it.
She loves serving food from the bagonas on the dastarkhan. And each time she serves something, she goes 'Bass'.
Given her new love for wearing our slippers, she'd get scolded a zillion times a day for walking on the carpet/mattress/bedsheets with them on. Or for holding them close to her chest like a birthday present

I am moving to grandparents' place today. And even though I've always thought of it as a second home, I feel some kind of trepidation. And I miss my mommy :'(.

Uppu and Prav. are being so sweet. HAWGAH is still going nowhere. Last resort was not even a resort :(

Oh, I didn't even blog on my birthday. I gots two books - one of them's chick-lit, which thanks to eager-office-colleague, I only got back today. I read some 45 pages in a flash and am raring for more. Chick-lit, chick-lit everyday!

The last few weeks were not very good with communication with MusterFuster nearly breaking down. You'd be surprised at the damage one impulsive haircut will do. Of course, there are always bigger issues.

I have a horrible backache cause of the one hundred and eighty three million violent sneezes I sneezed yesterday.
(Remember reading this poem in some joke book, play on the original poem:
I sneezed a sneeze into the air,
It fell to earth I knew not where,
But you should have seen the looks on the face of those,
In whose vicinity I snoze :D)

We waited for mom outside the airport, in case she'd exceeded the luggage weight limit. Twas nice having a peaceful conversation with Blister :P.
She was telling me how the vomiting mechanism works. The human body is so amazing, subhanallah.

I'm finding better Islamic resources on the web everyday. And some articles are so, so beautiful mashallah. Just reading them brings in sunshine into a clouded, cluttered mind.

I've begun to hate what is called 'corporate culture'. Work hard, party hard. Right. That's all there is to life. Morons. And so having missed the last partay, when the topic comes up of whether I will be attending the one tomorrow, manager says 'If she doesn't come to that party, she'll be an outcast'. Wow, thanks dude. Hogging, drinking and making inane conversation - NOT doing that is going to make me an outcast. Awesome.

Okay, bad mood arriveth again. I'm going to leave for home now. No, second home. Okay, home.

@sophist, thanks :)

Which reminds me, people who read this blog regularly, will you please start using twitter?

Off I is.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

2008-08-04T14:13:00.001+05:30

'God, why do things have to be so complicated?'
'No, it isn't complicated. It just involves some hard decisions'
'Don't sound like Zen Habits'
...

After some vigorous dissection of self, 'Thank you for the food for thought'
'Yeah, just make sure you don't get indigestion'

What I forgot to say to that, 'Dude, I've had indigestion for the past three days!' I did. And now I believe it will continue.
HAWGAH continues to make life extremely messy.

Like an old blog friend used to say, 'Bachche ki jaan loge kya?' :(

She said it!

2008-07-09T13:51:00.001+05:30

Blister to Ammy: Ammaarah, so cute bolo

Ammaarah: Tho khweet!

I promptly melt into mush.

Ammy stories

2008-07-07T18:09:00.001+05:30

... so that I don't forget them.

#1

Yesterday, mom inexplicably got mad at me over something I'd said and decided to give me the silent treatment. So I went up to her and said 'Kya hua mummy? Kya hua?' and Mom decided not to reply.

So I followed her into the next room and said 'Boliye na'

No reply.

'Boliye na mummy, kya hua boliye?'

No reply again.

I persisted, 'Boliye na'

and then from outside, Ammy joined in, 'Boloooo! Boloooo!' :D

Hee hee. Like mom was telling the grandmom yest., Ammy has brought much raunaq into our house.

#2

Conversation between mom and Ammy overheard while I was taking a bath:

Mom: Chalo, Ammaarah ka munh dhokar aaenge

Ammy: (probably points to something and mumbles)

Mom: Nai, book nai dhotey

Ammy: Dhotey!

Mom: Book nai dhotey ma

Ammy: DHOTEYYYYY!

Yes, she is well on her way to becoming a WMD.

smirk

2008-07-01T19:15:00.001+05:30

My googling skills never cease to amaze myself.

Sigh

2008-06-26T14:55:00.001+05:30

There's this blogger who just writes so beautifully masha'allah, that I'm usually left breathless each time I read a new post of hers. I'm usually not the kind of person who likes reading descriptive passages, but her posts arouse such empathy that at the end of every post of hers, I feel like I've just come back to being myself. And the writing is never pretentious or it's trying hard to be writing. Sigh, I wish I could write like that.

Here's the post I just finished reading.

:)

2008-06-25T19:51:00.001+05:30

Today was funday. When I reached office, I found myself thinking 'I've been working in an office for so long? This office?' I suppose it was a truly out-of-this-world experience. Which probably implies that my 'life' is non-existent.

I did something today that should brand me as a 'scaredy-cat' for life. But to anyone who points that out to me, I shall ask them to jump off a 140 foot form high building. Heeh.

After being tempted by many advertisements, I went ahead and bought Kara's skincare wipes. I highly recommend them, they're totally worth the money (45 bucks)... at least the moisturing ones.

Oh and a PAX slogan, 'we're all pax in the journey of life'. Na? :) :D

Okay, tta. It is intiki pota time. Yayy. People should always stay in college. Never leave. Keep failing like Aamir Khan in RDB. :D

And again, will reply to the comments soon :<

Snarl

2008-06-19T15:58:00.000+05:30

Extremely irritating co-worker on spotting the newspaper in my tiffin bag: Tu roz newspaper ghar se lekar aati hai?
Me (staring intently at my screen): I bought it.
Him: Waah. Badhiya. Tu toh kaafi up-to-date rehne lag gayi aajkal

And I continue staring intently at my screen and pretend I haven't heard the backhanded compliment. I wish I could... UGH. I AM SO PISSED.
One of these days...

PS: Extremely sorry for not replying to comments. Will do that soon.

Wondering

2008-06-17T11:08:00.002+05:30

What kind of a morning is it when you hurriedly pass by your niece, run your fingers through her hair and say 'shonuu' and she follows you around the house going, 'Shonuu, shonuu'?

What kind of a morning is it when you read the editorial and hold your head, wondering for the second day in a row, what's wrong with the world?

What kind of a morning is it when your cabbie plays jhalak dikhlaja a zillion times during the ride?
And what should you think of yourself when you hear it for the third time and feel like dancing to it?

And what kind of a life is it when you keep composing long, rambling posts in your head and don't get the time to post them?

Sigh

2008-06-03T11:04:00.003+05:30

I've been wanting to write a lot, lately, but have hardly got the time. Half a post was written on Friday and abandoned when region senior settled at my desk to help me meet some stupid deadline. The fact that I prefer a laptop's touchpad to a normal mouse surprisingly irks a lot of people. And that combined with the fact that I'd changed my mouse's right click settings to left click and vice versa had everyone who used my laptop in a fix. Yes, that's the amazing story of my life. I am terribly bored with my work.

There. I was interrupted then by the same senior and here I am, just back from lunch and so enthusiastically looking forward to the next few hours where I will sit with her and Chilli, locked up in a room because we're taking ages over what should've been done in a couple of hours. The aforementioned interruption took place so that we could have a meeting where senior went on about how if we wrapped up shitty work soon enough, we could get our hands on good work etc etc. And while she was right and I agreed, my motivation levels are abysmal right now. Maybe I should follow that 'best motivators at work' page I'd read and have a coffee in the morning. Maybe that'll help.

HAWGAH's latest events turned out to be an anticlimax. Poor mom. If I ever see that girl again, I'll slap her. And now, a duplicate turns up. This is a third encounter, yeah, an encounter of the third kind.

I spent last Friday in an agonizing wait for an email that would tell me that my spanking new ickyicky account had been credited, but twas in vain. And on top of that, I forgot my ickyicky stuff in my desk drawer along with my charger and came back for both on Saturday... in a great mood, on a lovely, drizzly morning. It was an awesome day to feel rich :D (It is NOT getting to my head).

I am yet to do something significant with it. Trapped in the office for nearly 12 hours a day what with the commute, I'm too exhausted on weekends to do anything. But I really do love 5 day weeks. On Monday you're dreading the rest of the week, on Tuesday you're in work mode, by Wednesday you're thinking, 'Only two days more!' and Thursday and Friday vanish soon enough.

I love this company and what it does for its employees. But please God, give me better work! :'(

I need to write a whole post on Ammy. She's growing up so fast, I'd better do it soon.

The Secret Life Of Argentyne Mitty

2008-05-27T10:42:00.003+05:30

She leaned back from her laptop and turned around on her chair quietly. Her whiny colleague had his back turned to her and was intently working on his laptop. Everyone else seemed to be busy too. She turned back again quietly to face her desk and stealthily slid open the drawer. It was ready in the polythene bag, a small package that luckily fit snugly into her new handbag. She logged out, slid the drawer shut, picked up her ID card and was on her way.

She pointed her ID card at the door that opened into the long corridor at the back and it opened instantly with a beep. Another smartass colleague of hers was walking towards her and gave her a smile. She smiled back as nonchalantly as possible. Once out into the corridor, she tried to see if anyone stood at the far end. Yes, the IT office's door was open and people were streaming in and out of it. Her face fell and she walked into the bathroom hoping that by the time she walked out, that little area would be deserted.

She walked into the bathroom with bated breath. Thankfully, there was no one who recognized her. Two girls were busy brushing their hair in front of the mirror. She sighed. Hairbrushing would definitely be followed by applying lipstick which would be followed by minute and tedious adjustments of dresses.

She looked for a stall whose neighbouring stalls were emtpy. The bathroom floor was so polished that anyone sitting next door could make out what the neighbour was doing by just looking at the floor. She took off her shoes and carefully wiped her feet with water. The first part was done. She waited until the make-uppers seemed to have left. Stepping out carefully, she checked to see if anyone was nearby. Once sure, she folded her sleeves until her elbows showed and leaned a little forward. The second part was done.

She carefully separated the pin from the fabric. It came undone and she once more bent forward with her hands scooped. This part would take the most time. Another girl walked in but she was ready by then. She gathered her handbag and walked out into the corridor. She heaved a sigh of relief. The little nook at the end of the corridor looked empty. She hurried down the corridor and set her bag down by the tall printer box. It seemed like God's will that that box stood there from the day she'd set her eyes on this place. She pushed the box away from the wall so that it stood at the edge of the corridor. She could now crouch down behind it without the fear of being seen by anyone unless they happened to venture further into that tiny portion of the corridor.

She carefully took out the wrapped package from her bag while trying not to attract any attention. She spread the newspaper on the floor behind the box and took off her sandals. She dug again into the package to fish out a rolled mat. It was beautiful, gold thread meandering through pastel colours. She sat down and folded her arms across her chest. It was difficult, those five minutes... trying to concentrate, when every second she feared someone would spot her. Yet when she'd finished and the water from her ablution continued to dry and cool her face, she smiled contentedly, rejuvenated to get back to work.

Updates.

2008-05-20T19:33:00.002+05:30

I've finished 8 working days now. At least half of them were terribly hectic. Two were spent at a boring induction at a 7 star hotel (or is it 5?) with notepads and the most exquisite pencils I've seen yet.

My laptop at home (yes, I've a laptop at work, but nothing too ooh-la-la) hangs frequently signaling an imminent hard disk crash. Some weeks before that, the charger got fried cause of a high voltage surge. Paani ki motor got burnt too.

Damn it. I can't write anymore. I'm experiencing major vocabulary block. I should really stop breaking into Hindi during conversations.

Oh. HAWGAH seems to be taking off... a little too soon? A shopping mall? Really?!

Evil punk rocker with male pattern baldness?

I'm putting on weight :'( And only today I was introduced to an expensive stall in the break-out area with aromas of authentic pizza and melting chocolate brownies wafting in the air.

Ammy update: Couldn't be naughtier. Will climb up steps if you let her go outside. Loves dust balls and eating hair. Is saying 'mimmi' these days. Also seems to have learnt to shake her head to say no. And shoes is 'shsheesh'. Will go mad if you don't close the lid of a bottle or box or an open door.... keeps shouting 'Beh! Beh! Beh!' (Beh for Bandh). Seems like her dad's made her a guardian angel over her mom's general tendency to leave things uncovered.

Will the weekend start already?!

2008-04-24T23:12:00.005+05:30

* I had my left-side wisdom tooth removed last year, the right one today. The lower half of my right jaw is still numb which means it's going to hurt a LOT when the numbness wears off.

* I realized today that the only fiction I seem to be reading these days is chicklit. First it was a rather badly written, 'Almost Single' by some Indian author (:P to J). Then it was 'Everyone Worth Knowing' by the author of 'The Devil Wears Prada', both books I've enjoyed quite a bit. And then it was 'How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got A Life' (yes, I know it's been ages since it was published). The part I loved most about HOWGAL was that I had a completely different idea of what the novel was going to be like - I thought it would be one of those books where Miss Goody Two Shoes realizes she needs to get a life and to hell with everything else. While I still find the whole 'HOWGAL' (How Opal Will Get A Life for the uninitiated) plan a little incredulous, the writing is pretty funny even if a big part of it is plagiarized. I read up Kaavya Viswanathan's page on wiki and I still can't understand how her 'book-packagers' could have copied from SO many sources. Had they memorized the whole chicklit genre?!

* Most of my daytime these days goes into babysitting Ammy (who is now waddling around the house btw) and cooking (yes!). And I haven't lived up to my reputation of disaster-accident-prone me, I've actually managed to whip up decent stuff. When I mentioned the above facts to a classmate and added 'I'm becoming quite domesticated', she said 'Yeah, you've become a cow :P'. Hmmf.

* I think I should start writing 'HAWGAH'. Extremely dismal outlook right now.

* Thank God for unlocked scrapbooks!

* Work starts from the 12th of next month and I know nothing! Waaaah :'( And I have no idea how I'm going to manage both work and cooking (Mom says it's high time we gave her a rest :( ). How AM I going to do it?!

* There are so many people I need to call! Tsssst!

Okay, before I freak out completely and spout more bullets, it's tta time.

Mortality. Morality.

2008-04-18T22:56:00.005+05:30

They will ask thee about intoxicants and games of chance. Say: "In both there is great evil as well as some benefit for man; but the evil which they cause is greater than the benefit which they bring." - 2:219, Quran

How different each death is, and yet it leads us into the self-same country, that country which we inhabit so rarely, where we see the worthlessness of what we have long pursued and will continue pursuing. - Iris Murdoch, 'The Sea, The Sea'

I have some mental unburdening to do. The past week has been difficult but it's surely nothing compared to what Pb is going through or A. To obsess about being half a nothing would be extremely selfish, but like they say, 'There may be a famine in Africa but the boil on your neck is more painful'.

Day after day after day... '44 die as bus falls into canal', '39 killed in a suicide attack', '20 killed as bomb explodes' and worse - '20 year old boy arrested for killing a 7 year old girl after luring her with sweets and raping her', 'Man stabbed by friends in a quarrel over money', 'Mother-in-law and husband set fire to woman as her 5 children watch', '10th class student commits suicide'... such headlines are so routine that you gloss over them as you turn the pages looking for something 'interesting. Or maybe you click your tongue, mention it to someone around and forget it for the rest of forever. And then someone close to you dies, and with every mention of death you wonder what their loved ones must be going through. Of course, this empathy hardly lasts, soon enough you forget your mortality and life resumes its normal futile ways... both mercy and a curse, for how would we live through a second, if death is all we thought of? But then again, what's the use of living life without preparing for death? How swiftly a zillion things would lose if death was an instant away? And yet... such heedlessness.

When sis was telling me about the female patient with 90% burns, (who was set afire by her husband and mother-in-law while her children watched), we were having lunch and my mouth hung agape and stayed so for the next 5 minutes. I finally managed to utter, 'But... how could they... for dowry?! Are they animals?! Where's their humanity?' And dad looked up from his plate, gave me one look and said 'What do you know what poverty can do to people?'

Oh and G lost his life because a lawyer who was drunk while driving with his wife, mother and kids, stabbed him. Oh, and a hospital refused to treat him immediately, so G died simply for excessive loss of blood while on the way to the next hospital. A few months ago, a local MLA raised a hue and cry at a govt. hospital when his 1 year old niece lost her life because the doctors/administration insisted he fill some form first. And then his supporters joined him and in their unbridled enthusiasm, misbehaved... and what do you know, it turned into a communal issue, followed by a doctors' strike at the hospital that led to hundreds of poor patients with no one around to attend to them. This is the value we attach to life.

It's no wonder I keep hearing people say, 'Who would want to bring a child into this world?'...

For now, this is a rant. I hope and wonder if any other action can be taken other than making dua.

And I must remind myself:
Every soul shall have a taste of death: And only on the Day of Judgment shall you be paid your full recompense. Only he who is saved far from the Fire and admitted to the Garden will have attained the object (of Life): For the life of this world is but goods and chattels of deception. - 3:185, Quran

Know ye (all), that the life of this world is but play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children. - 57:20, Quran

...

2008-04-12T23:53:00.004+05:30

Streets

A man leaves the world

and the streets he lived on

grow a little shorter.



One more window dark

in this city, the figs on his branches

will soften for birds.



If we stand quietly enough evenings

there grows a whole company of us

standing quietly together.

overhead loud grackles are claiming their trees  

and the sky which sews and sews, tirelessly sewing,

drops her purple hem.

Each thing in its time, in its place,

it would be nice to think the same about people.



Some people do. They sleep completely,

waking refreshed. Others live in two worlds,

the lost and remembered.

They sleep twice, once for the one who is gone,

once for themselves. They dream thickly,

dream double, they wake from a dream

into another one, they walk the short streets

calling out names, and then they answer.



From Words Under the Words: Selected Poems by  Naomi Shihab Nye

Miss you G. Mostly through second-hand memories and that one time you
and A made me sigh like that.

Kindness

2008-04-08T23:10:00.000+05:30

(Via Baraka's blog)

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the
Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept
him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow
as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day
to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

- Naomi Shihab Nye

Notes to Myself

2008-04-03T21:34:00.001+05:30

1. Having a reunion of sorts.
2. Discovering I have a very specific multiple personality disorder. Will it affect the rest of my life?
3. Tching.